This will be one messed up post because I’m messed up. To put that honestly straightly in the beginning. But I guess something comes out of this.  Or I don’t know, every hour of work produces something. And someone more clever than me recommended doing this so here I am.  I don’t know what my problem exactly is. I just don’t know where to go. Or what should I do with my life. There are so many people here and they have most horrible stories and mine wouldn’t be anything to compare. Not like we should compare or anything. Hah, I’m happy if someone make it trough this absurdness. Nice word. Isn’t it. Makes you tongue twist.

I don’t want to die. I am sort of positive person. Or I tend to think like that. But like in that song…”I don’t want to die but I’m not keen on living either” And really what is there to live for. Today I had this weird “quote-day”… Anyways there was quotation I really liked.

Life — and I don’t suppose I’m the first to make this comparison — is a disease: sexually transmitted, and invariably fatal.

For me it made very much sense. Yes, I’m waiting. I’m waiting for something magnificent to happen. But this just doesn’t make any sense. Of course, for every individual meaning of life is different. It’s something that we have to find. But generally what is there really. Education, family,love, friends, work, career…and then it’s death.  So meaning of life is to be born, live and die. Very simple. So what are we doing here all this time.

I’m 19. Yes, I’m young or maybe old and probably stupid. I’ve never been in love. Or never been in love with a boy who would love me back anyways.  I’m not going to write more about that. I’m not some lovesick teenager. A lie. I am a bit maybe. But I am getting tired to look. So I find another good quotation.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ or ‘how very perceptive’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.

And that’s the rejection part. So even if you find your true love someday. Well we all die anyways. I don’t get it. Few times I’ve been in love and I really was in love with them, they didn’t feel the same. Actually they just wanted sex. So I do hate love. Maybe it would be better if we didn’t love at all. Live without getting hurt. Only thing is that it would be maybe lonely. After all, they say that it is our basic need to interact wit others.

It’s funny to say. I don’t want to die. I think about death daily. Maybe all of us who come to this site day after day do. I’m kind of careless of my life too. I think if my life was a cell, it would lie somewhere in the street, cracked, broken and lost. Dead. I don’t mind traffic anymore. I jaywalk all the time and I’m not so safe driver either. Only thing stopping me is that I don’t want to harm anyone else. So it does really annoy me. I just don’t know how to stop. I cut too but that has just stuck with me for some years. I’d just like to go and say “here take my life and go do whatever you think is best” or then I wish I was dolphin. Dolphins are so happy all the time. And they can stop breathing if they want to so they don’t have to suffer.

I think one of my problems is that I think too much. I always liked reading. I mean really loved reading. I read like 300 book a year once. No one reads that kind of amounts. So no one quite grasps who is “24601” or never heard of any classics, nor contemporary literature. And what is the worst is that people don’t know. People live in their little pink bubbles and know nothing of the problems our world had or has. Problems that other individuals have. I don’t know. Maybe it is for the better that way.Maybe it’s no point reading all books of history full of blood mostly. In that bubble, it’s safe so maybe it’s better not to poke our little noses outside of it.

Second thing. I have finally made it to uni (I don’t know really how to call it) and now I have just been “sick” for last school days. It annoys me. Apparently many things do. But I want this, or in a way when I got in I felt like I have finally done something good. That this was something mine. But then, I’m afraid to go back there. Like I’d rather stay home. I  think I’m kind of scared of people. Or scared of getting hurt. I’m worried of my looks. I was underweight sometimes and that didn’t please anyone. I’ve been bullied and other stuff but then also loved. I don’t know why bully each other either. Or maybe. We still have the jungle law: eat or be eaten. Then my parents don’t also like my choice. They’d like more if I went to some better university and they’re not too happy.

Sorry for my language. Not like I should apologize in my own post?? I am feeling mad and poetic and very twisted. And drained. Usually I just explain things using “stuff” “things”… Yah, well if there will be a next time I can be normal on that one. I don’t think there will though. I think this was kind of it for me.  Thank you for reading, if anyone bothered.

On entre, on crie,
Et c’est la vie!
On bâille, on sort,
Et c’est la mort!