fighting the same war for more than 14 years

only when im alone does this mask come off it feels like i cant tell anyone anything in fear of judgment and being condemd weak i dont think theres been a single day i havnt cried this weak they say a man shouldnt cry  but only if you knew  the legit reasons i have  that i havnt told you  for as long as i can remember suicide has been a thought  yet somehow by schools standards it goes against everything ive been tuaght ive never had parents  im the lonely guy that tried to fit in but got told off the one that had no friends  the one who never finished because i couldnt start i got picked last for every game this all sounds like excusses  but to me theese are my truamas with millions of secrets  and plenty of drama  i hate people  they only here to make you hurt ive never met one single person who didnt hurt me  who didnt say “you cant do it ” “your not shit ” or even “your worthless” in some sort of way  at least my family says it strait up to me  without the sugarcoating i think thats what made me so angry i think  my family is what made me the monster i am i never got shit growing up never had shit never wanted it at the end of the day i just asked to be left alone  and that loneliness has hurt me even more in my mind im alone in solitary confiment  im limited ive been handicapped ill never reach my full potential  my mind hurts  im just fucking angry  i fucking hate life i dont know why i just dont jump why dont i just overdose  why not even shoot myself most people think i dont have the balls little do they know im on the edge looking down  and the more and more they push me the more its tempting the main reason i dont end my life is because my little sister brittany althought no one loves me i know she still feels something for me  fuck you if you think im talking wreckless  im fucking drowining here i feel like the only way i can express that is by joining the military  and fucking killing people hurtying others to make others feel what i feel  someone told me the checks must be balanced  i feel like screaming i think i am screaming and still no one listining  i just want death to be quick i wont say sorry because this is my faith i am the warrior of my family the one who always sacrafices self for others im sick of it all i hate you i hate you i hate myself i hate this world  fucking kill me already its times i wish for death  its times i just wanna run infront of a bus i mean who thinks of theese things when walking down a street im not normal my mom had me on drugs thats obvious  my head hurts  im dehydrated from the crying hours on hours on hours  i am that guy the one that they love to hatethe one that got picked on the one that got beat up having to run home every single day while getting jumped all i feel is anger all i have is hate depression from oppression has faded my faith the mask i wear stays on my face without ever having love in the dark i stay the drugs dont help alcohol has no taste  i think im broken already  and i havnet had a break  the work i do is now a piece a cake the mask i wear is made of hate the misery i feel i couldnt fake in hell everyday death has to has a place where i can just rest be loved and not be chased from a broken home no one in a parents place im not here for pitty im here to set a date  you never know who wears a mask or whats on there plate lifes pretty hard  so death has to be the ace the rage the anger the hate the pain this life i just cant take im a fucking looser and i know i will never be anything  the brainwashing worked  i fucking said it you fucking win i just feel like i have no home i have no family i have no friends and im tired like i said  fuck being anything other than what i am right now  a lonely ignorant worthless piece of shit if i do die and i take my own life i hope this will help some people understand  that yes i was weakend from years of abuse neglect  hate misery sadness depression oppression having secrets   etc  fuck the world i hope it fucking burns  -ez