I came from a unforunate upbringing. Suffice to say, there was lots of weird stuff that is crimminal and will follow me until the day that I die. I put up a shell that protected me. When I moved out of the house at 18 I lived alone. I worked alone. At this time I was morbidly obese. I overcame that addition. Got in shape. Enlisted in the reserves. Finished my B.Sc. and now find my self in Law School. It took me 12 years of my life to get to be a freshman law school student. 4 years ago I met a girl. Despite the fact that I was 26, this girl was the first girl that I was ever with. It had grown the point where we were planning mairrage. I had been planning a trip in may to go an a trip an propose. I extended in the reserves for a piddlydink 5k for 3 years so that I had the money to finally buy a ring. Communication has been strained. From my childhood and how I grew up I avoid confrontation with all of my life. I do not yell. I do not fight. I really do not drink. I get a text during the second semester of my Law School semester last Thursday saying she was going to her parent. She told me, eventually, that I do call her, do not text her, do not email her do no write her. Before this, and I realize I should have told her about my fucked up past, I sent her and email to her saying what happened to me as a child. This was by no means an excues, but a way to say look…. mabe this could be a root couse. She said she could not help me. She said I need to go get proefssional counseling. She said I need to talk to my family about it. I realize that I have been inattentaive and not as expressive as I should have been, ESPEACIALLY the last 6 months or so. I have no time. I go to school before the sun goes up and come back home after the sun goes down. This includes weekends. When not at school on the weekends, I do reserve time for the reserves. She fucking threw me away like a piece of shit down a toilett. I am now looking at a career whos only choice for me to enter into was really to provide a better life not just for me but for us. I opended up and told her something I told no one for 25 years and all she could tell me in one single way phone conversation was her “top 5” of why she was made and the ultimatium of not being at my house so she can get her stuff. (1) I told her how to close the door [not slam it], (2) I told her how to smoke a cigarette [in jest], (3) I made fun of her dog, (4) I made fun of her mother, (5) I made fun of an aquantiace she has known for about a year at her work. She says Im shelfish and its all me me me. I I I. I thought that there was a bigger picture. I now am looking at the prospect that I opened up to this person after 4 years and let her in and she didn’t care enough to call me. She didnt care enough to accept my invitation to go to counseling. I have recieved nothing from her except one angy yelling phone call and it has now been a week. I now find myself in a degree program with stifling debt, that I have no interst in, whose sole reason I entered into was to provide a better life for the team to find out there was no team. Alone again alone again. I can not deal with it. I cannot bury what I told her again. I cannot process and figure out why she did what she did. I do not understand why she is not willing to come and talk with me or come to counseling with me. I do not want to do this anymore. I have been going so hard for so long to try and get somewhere, and I thought I had someone to get somewhere with and now I realized it was all for not. Now, all this said, I dont want to here “dont do it”. I have already tried to eat a bullet from a .357. I tried two nights in a row and for the life of me I cannot not pull the freaking trigger becase I am too much of a fucking *****. I need to know a way, likke a drug, that I can take where I can just pop the pills and fall asleep. I feelÂ that this would be better anyway as it would leave a pretty body afterwards. My famliy is taken care of, I have great insurance that covers sucide. I am worth more to the people around me dead. I need to know what to take. I cannot find strait answers on the internet. I need to know what I can get over the counter that wont fuck up. No fuck ups. No walking up. Done. Please advise.