Relapse

I was doing better. I didn’t want to die for a couple of days. You know, I had a documentary about depression to start on, I scheduled classes for senior year of college, I spent time with friends that I love. Then I see a stupid Easter status that mentions the dickhead who broke my heart, and I’m snapped back to reality. I’m a nobody. The one person in my life who has ever claimed to truly love me never did. He said it himself that it was all fake. Why was I so stupid? I actually thought for a bit that maybe I was worth something, but it was all fake too. I’m nothing, absolutely nothing. I never should have existed. I have no worth, no purpose, no future. Just shit. All that semi-joy was bullshit—totally imaginary. Nobody will ever love me like I need. Who am I kidding? It’ll only ever be pretense.

I guess I’ll just never understand why people purposefully break others apart. I have enough trouble keeping myself together. I have no desire to hurt anyone else. Which is why I haven’t offed myself yet. I just care way too much how it’ll affect those that I love. I can’t tell anymore who actually gives a shit about me. It seems few and far between. But I know I love most everybody. I don’t even know if it’d hurt them that I actually died or if it’d just be a pain to have to clean up after me or explain what happened. I don’t want them to have to bother. I just want to rest forever. It’s not fair to be stuck in this world. I didn’t ask to be born, so why do I have to stay here? I don’t know what to do, but I do know that I feel alone and like total shit.