The thought of suicide is constantly on my mind, you could probably say i am obsessed with suicide (maybe thats why i’m on a suicide website). Well i guess i should explain myself first, as long as I can remember I have been depressed, initially mildly but for the past 5 years or so it has been intense. My life is just one big circle and i end up back at the start, im depressed as hell for months at a time i plan the date that i am going to end it all and then when the date comes i chicken out. The reason I don’t do it isn’t because I don’t want to, I have never wanted something so bad in my life. I just dunno, i’m a failure I even fail at killing myself, I guess that just sums me up, I just dunno, there is no way out of here, I just wish i could fall asleep and never wake up again, but guess its not that easy, nothing is easy.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
9 comments
It’s been many months since you posted and I’m sorry to hear you’re still struggling, Loren. Are your parents still oblivious to how bad things are for you? It’s pretty easy to feel worthless when they don’t take the hardest thing in your life seriously. What have you tried in terms of helping yourself in the past several months? How is communication with them about your illness these days?
Being bad at killing yourself is something to be proud of. I certainly wouldn’t want you to die if your heart wasn’t in it. If you still want to live then there’s still things worth fighting for.
Do you have a clear diagnosis yet? I know you were kicking around the idea that you were Bipolar last time we talked. It’s 8 am here (was up all night) so I gotta go to sleep, but I’ll try to check back on this later.
I know exactly what it feels mate. Everyday when im waking up, I said to myself ‘why am I still alive?’ but as a reminder a kept a picture of my parents in my wallet, in case comitting suicide comes up into my mind. Anyway, if you need someone to talk to, email me at marcoruben11@yahoo.com. Ill be there to help you, mate 😉
My ex girlfriend from middle school “fell asleep and never woke up again.” It was a random blood clot the examiner’s said a bad reaction to her taking a normal dose of pain reliever. She was happy with life. One thousand times since I have wished that I could’ve taken her blood clot instead. But I think Loren is right: it’s not that easy.
“The thought of suicide is constantly on my mind,â€
Does depression create the thought or the thought the depression?
It sublet is it not, to sides of the same coin. The one feeds of the other in an endless loop we are obsessed! The mind trapped in blind alleys, from obsession to possession. Death wins by living
The romances of death, the unconditional encouragement and embrace that nothing need change.
That is the trick of death, the allure… death cannot abide change.
Deaths unconditional embrace the condition that you remain enslaved.
The irony that the moment of death is change, so death would rather you live as dead then die
The reality of life is that the moment of creation is also the moment of destruction and destruction creation.
We are always in the experience of death and resurrection. Literally the physical body we have in this moment is not the body we have the next. The physical body living off the death of the body.
Life and Death are not opposites but one!
It is not that you are bad at killing yourself but that you are not skilled at killing those parts of yourself that are getting in your way of becoming. Thoughts of suicide have become a crutch, suicide is easy and what you want is easy.
As you have learned neither creation nor destruction, life or death, is easy.
Both are a struggle, the choice for what you struggle is yours.
letmesleep yeah things have taken a turn for the worse lately, i was feeling a little better at the end up last year but now things are worse than ever. I tried to get help i got a diagnosis of depression not bipolar after all, but the pills were just making me feel worse feeling insane. they changed my meds then the same thing happened, i just dunno. Yeah my parents are still oblivous. How are things for you?
Im sorry to hear about that ShitFuck, life is just cruel it takes those that all to live for and leaves those that has nothing to live for.
Really sorry to hear the things you’ve tried haven’t been successful, Loren. Honestly, my heart really goes out to you because I know EXACTLY what that’s like. I’ve been on at least 20 different medications throughout my life – some worked and some didn’t, but somehow at 27 I still ended up here.
You just gotta keep trying, Loren. You might be happy to know that I’ve found a medication that helps a bit while causing no side effects. I know some side effects are too hard to live with, but you just gotta keep trying different meds till one fits. Everyone’s brain chemistry is different so no one can prescribe you a magic pill right off the bat without a lot of trial and error.
It might also help you to know I had a few years that were not so bad. I struggled with some other things very intensely, but my depression was brought under control. It CAN happen, you just gotta keep looking for the right meds. Please don’t give up, feeling like this is agony.
In terms of your parents, what can be done or said that helps them realize what a struggle this is for you? Have you sat them down and told them how miserable you are or are you just hoping they notice? You need their support – mental illness is a burden that needs to be shared by the family. They made you, and it’s their genetic code that allowed you to be susceptible to this problem. They can’t hide from this forever and you need to show them that the idea that you have a mental illness is not so scary. You’re still human and your illness will never change that.
I commend you for trying to get help, I really do. Good for you, Loren. If I could give you a high five over the Internet for the effort, I would. Try to hang in there – I think your new goal should be to get your parents on board. It will be so much easier when you don’t have to do this alone.
20? gee whizz and here is me feeling sorry for myself after 3.
Glad to hear you have found a medication that is helping you somewhat.
Im trying not to give up its just so hard (as you know)
I have sat my parents down (well my mum) but yeah she still doesn’t understand or is willing to try, but i will continue to try and get it through to them, because as you said this battle would be so much easier if i had someone by my side.
Thanks for taking the time to read my posts by the way and you must have a good memory to remember me from last time.
It is extremely hard, yes. It’s even harder when no one is willing to help you. I really hope you can convince your parents that not only do you want their help, you need it. Hang in there, Loren, you’re always welcome here.
In terms of my memory, yeah, for some reason I don’t seem to forget things I read online. I can’t seem to remember anything relevant to my own life, but when I read things in forums I can remember them for months after they’re said.
Yeah I know, hopefully I can stick around long enough for them to change their minds.
An oh i guess thats good in a way, it can be annoying remembering things in real life anyway sometimes.
Thanks for caring 🙂