So tired, so very tired

I’ve felt this way for a long, long time. Kind of been going thru the motions, doing what others (or I thought others) expected.  Going to school, getting a job, married, having kids, etc. Just didn’t seem to care.  Got divorced a couple of years ago, haven’t talked or seen the ex or kids since then. Just didn’t care. When I try to rationalize it, it seems like it should bother me. But it doesn’t. Actually, I haven’t seen or talked to my entire family. I just don’t have the connections that you would expect between people that are family.  Never did, I was always inclined to be alone than with others.

So a month ago, I just quit my job, took my remaining funds and drove west. No cares in the world. Going from city to city, hotel room to room. I’ve never felt like I had a home, very rough and unpleasant upbringing but who hasn’t. I saw several “awe-inspiring” sights along the way, nothing that did anything for me though.

So here I sit using some free wifi in a local fast-food change in an alien community with no money, no plan and a broken car with less than a quarter tank of gas. Not anxious about it, just tired. Tired of trying to make things work out. Tired of being told this or that. Tired of still being expected to do this or that.

I don’t know if its an issue with pride but I don’t ask for help. Don’t care to. Generally, I dislike people. Never trust there motivations. Not like I’m trying to defect blame just like the lack of complication when not dealing with people, any people.

And I wake up tired. Tired of the thought of having to deal with another day.

Yes, I was diagnosed years ago with major depression and prescribed a lovely cocktail of drugs. Yeah know, I never liked the idea of taking combinations of drugs where I would never notice a difference, just those around me. Everyone always told me that they knew when I was on my meds and not. Funnier yet was that it was just another excuse. They’d think I was one them and I wasn’t. Or they’d complain that I wasn’t taking them and I actually was.

I watch other people all the time. Mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, friendly groups, trying to “see” what I’m doing wrong or don’t understand. I just don’t fit in. I just don’t care. I see people more as objects than people. I’ll see physical attributes that I like but have no interest in getting to know anyone.

Can’t help but think I shouldn’t be here. Or more correctly, should have never been here. I’ve made no contributions, not that it would matter if I did.