Life has often been compared to a free-flowing body of water, …a river if you may, but what can one do if they cannot go with the flow and do not know how to swim?
This is my situation right now, I feel like I am being stranded… drowned…. left behind by the world around me. By my few friends and family… I know that my lack of social skills and shyness have contributed to that, but still I try to get along with people. However, I am slowly losing hope.
I am a failure, I have not finished college, I have recently lost a job last year, and I did not have a home nor parents to care for me… I have become ashamed of myself and contemplated suicide so many times as an apology and to cease being a burden. I have become a shut-in, and have lost contact with friends, classmates, and co-workers for such a long time now that I don’t even remember my cell phone number, much less, anyone else’s.
Constantly, I think about looking for a new job but balk at sending the resume or email… A deadly mix of depression, procrastination, worry and lack of confidence  takes over me each and every time. “Will I get rejected again?”, “I don’t have any diplomas, merits, or references to speak of.”, “Will I see the word ‘Sorry’ again? Or hear the phrase ‘We’ll call you back’?”, “I don’t have anything… and I can’t build something from nothing can I? Give me a chance!”
I am tired… living is like being chained inside a dark abyss of loneliness and despair. I am left behind with nobody to help or save me. I’ve seen my old friends and classmates at a networking site just recently… some are successful businessmen, some flaunt their cars and jewelry, a few others post pictures of their good-looking wives, husbands or newborn babies… and to think I was considered one of the most intelligent students in our class… heh, the irony.
All of this time I wonder what I did wrong… was it because I didn’t study enough? Or chased after my dreams hard enough? I even blamed and despised my parents who didn’t even support me through high school and college… Was it just my bad luck? Fate? I then began to hate even God… for bringing me to life, just to suffer like this. But it’s hopeless. I can hate the entire world and it won’t matter. My existence isn’t worth a cent to anyone… ha, even the devil won’t buy my soul.
I take walks to ease my heart… Mostly along bridges near rivers. The flow of the water mesmerizes me and helps me forget my problems… even for just a moment or two. Just as life flows just as any river, leaving me behind. Sometimes I get the urge to jump-in and let myself get taken away. Maybe end it all. Nobody will mind.
2 comments
I know how you feel, it seems so pointless sometimes. Go on Craigslist an send out resumes, start with something easy like telemarketing. They always hiring for that! So you made a fee mistakes, but you can still change all that! Force yourself, you can meet some new people. I qaa in your boatx i got an awesome job for a while even if i got laid off, i know can find something. Many states have prgrams that you can get money to go to school. You should consider a trade or skill. Phlebotomy, medical assistants, stuff like that. Becone a hone health aide they ALWAYS looking. Anyway, i sure hope you don’t give up. And DONT think you are weak or alone, the thing to remember is that everyone lives in the darkness sometimes. Can find the prettiest, richest,most successful girl and you might find out she goes home and cries every night. Everyone has secrets, don’t tell yourself you are useless, you are just in a dark place. Dont give up. Feel free to email me if you want to talk more.
First I flunked out. Then I went back and got a couple of degrees, culminating with an M.S. in Computing Science. Yet I find myself in the same boat you’ve described: up shit creek without a spoon. It seems we have plenty of company aboard as well.