Last night, I talked him. The guy who has been my best friend for the longest time.
Surprisingly enough, he actually made me smile. I mean, every one can see me smile, or express happiness, but I never really mean it anymore.
But he made me experience genuine happiness.
I laughed. I actually laughed. A real one, at that.
And the things he told me. The way he smiled at me.. I couldn’t believe it.
It seemed as if I was dreaming, honestly. To think I actually had that sensation. That feeling.
Happiness. Bliss. Euphoria! I was experiencing such an abundance of delight, it was flooding my entire being. I felt a huge wave of something.. I don’t know what.
I guess… Butterflies? In my stomach!
It lasted through the morning. I woke up, with a little less than 5 hours of sleep, and I was exhilarated. I was happy to be alive!
I was confused as to why I ever considered suicide. The thought that I cut myself was shocking, because I finally realized I had someone who could make me happy without even trying.
This person.. This wonderful individual, even though he had what seemed like a bad night, he was still smiling. He still seemed happy. And now I wonder if he actually was. I wonder if he was just putting on a show for me.
Of course, that sensation quickly faded away. I went to school and it immediately washed off within the first three hours of my waking.
I’m surprised my friend didn’t notice my eyes sparkling in first hour class. The fact that she couldn’t see I was smiling with an overload of sincerity was astonishing. Ah, but you really can’t expect much from people, can you?
2 comments
I wish I could have seen your eyes sparkling… I bet they were beautiful! 🙂 You see that there’s still hope for happiness, love? How are you feeling now, Kasa?
I’m glad for that you had such a great night. But a word of warning, and I’m not trying to ruin your fun, but all you need to do is read through many of the posts on this very website, to find out what happens to depressed/suicidal people who found someone who could “make them happy” or give them a reason for living. It’s not a pretty picture and it’s not healthy to make someone else your reason for living. Being happy is a choice and it’s dangerous to let that depend on another person. That rush of bliss and euphoria you experienced is a very real thing and can become a very real addiction.
I’m not saying you did anything wrong for enjoying it, just be careful. If you build this friendship/relationship up into the only thing you live for, you’re setting yourself up for disaster. Don’t make 1 person your reason for living, make the fact that you never know when one of these unexpected great nights can come along your reason for living. People will come and go. But hopefully now you realize that you never know when a good moment is about to happen to you. Hang out to that attitude you described of not even remembering why you cut yourself and the surprise that you still are able to feel happiness. Let THAT be your reason for living. Not just the specific person who happened to make you happy in this one specific instance. Every day that you wake up holds new potential for a great conversation with somebody or making a new friend, THAT’S why it’s too risky to think about cutting or suicide, because you never know what you would have missed out on.