I’ve always been aware that I’m not good enough for anything I want – friends who don’t treat me as an inferior, mainly, I went through all my life getting that from everyone I liked (and worse shit on top of it) – but eventually I made myself take the advice from people on the internet that I am good enough and to not let people walk all over me. That “self-esteem comes from within.” And I ended up becoming an asshole for two and a half years when aside from that I’ve always been a major softie… and the last person I made friends with (and my only friend at the time) got the brunt of that. He was really nice to me, and the only person who hasn’t treated me as an inferior, and I owe him but he’s never speaking to me again. Maybe I wasn’t good enough for him either, I don’t know. But I didn’t even give him a chance to make that decision. And I feel terrible that he only knew me during a time when I made a pretty shitty friend. It tops all the self-hatred I’ve had my whole life for being so pathetic (sappy, confused, boring, friendless)…
These days (a month and a half since he cut me off) I think I’m starting to manage the guilt and I’m trying to finally come to peace with knowing that nothing will ever be okay. I try to become dead inside, to give up completely, and it kind of works, but sometimes (like the past few hours) I slip up and just want to end it. I have no reason to get up in the morning and can’t manage my life.
I don’t know why I’m posting here, maybe I just want to be honest about my feelings somewhere other than my own journal. This isn’t even beginning to describe my problems though…
1 comment
I know what you mean about not having a reason to wake up, I woke at 5 today after a terrible nightmare and then just felt numb, and finally went outside in the rain hoping it would touch something, wake something in me.
I’ve also made mistakes with friends that I still regret.
I don’t know where self esteem comes from. Its hard when it is not given to you as a child. It seems so many people on here have/had complicated messed up childhoods.
I’ve heard that people who have had abusive childhoods have a very hard time reading people. Your social skills are not always accurate because you should have been learning that stuff from birth at home, but it so often doesn’t happen or worse you are given really distorted ideas and abuse from your family. I don’t know what your childhood was like but were you given unconditional love? No matter what? If not, then everything is wonky. Feelings, trust, boundaries.
My family treats like crap. I think I’m the family scapegoat. I made a different kind of mistake, trusting someone I thought was my friend and being terribly hurt by him in a very bad way. And I had a real friend who I just stopped hanging around with in middle school, and Ill never understand why I did it, but later she died of Juvenile Diabetes and I’ve never forgiven myself.
I wish I knew the answer to this, its gotten me into a lot of trouble. But you sound very sensitive, the fact it has affected you to this point, I think you should go easy on yourself, (easy for me to say, I know). I don’t know just what you are going through, but I know how really hard it can be. I really do. I’m sorry it can feel so crappy.