Kenny and I had/have a love like none other. We lived to love, laugh and make each other happy, and we exceeded that everyday for over 9 years. On 2/4/12 Kenny proposed to me and I thought that was the happiest day of my life, but everyday after that only got better. Kenny was the spice of life. Everything that Kenny did was amazing because he had that enthusiasm that made everything amazing. Then it all ended…
3/5/13 started out like any day. Kenny sent me a text to say he was up and I responded in my normal way “Good morning baby – I love you!” I was away for business in New Orleans so we had a countdown as to when I would be getting home. “Baby, I get to see you tomorrow night!” I text. He responded with his usual “Yay!!” I text him at noon just random stuff about my day and he responds. He went home to meet my parents who were dropping off our puppy from being at the groomers, that is the last time anyone saw Kenny alive. He was perfectly fine, cheery and bubbly. Just moments after my parents left Kenny suffered a brain aneurysm that immediately ended his life at the age of 26.
We lived for each other… So why am I still here?
8 comments
I don’t really know if I can answer that. But you have to look inside yourself and ask that question. And would Kenny want you to beat yourself up and dismiss your life? Or would he rather you just grieved for him and remembered the love you shared for one another. Maybe you’re still here because deep down you know he wouldn’t wish to be the reason you ended your life.
At the risk of sounding cliché, Kenny lives on inside you through your love for him, I don’t think taking your life will do any good, it will only cause suffering for those who love you. Think now of the pain you feel in your chest, that knotting agony. You might not feel anything after the fact, but you’ll simply pass the pain on. Live on, for Kenny. I’m sure he wouldn’t want you die unhappy because of his early demise. I’m truly sorry for your anguish, but I hope you can battle on despite it. Remember the good times and take care of yourself. <3
remeber we are not gon if we are not forgoten remeber him as a man who made you happy not as the man who died but as the person who lived a happy life
I think he would want me with him, like we are supposed to be.
If there is an after life, if it’s pleasan, an if Kenny’s there, I have no doubt he’s going to be patient and wait for you. I mean, that’s the kind of man you described.
Also, realize that you are in a stage where making long-term decisions is a bad idea. You sound like you had and have others in your life who also love you. For their sake, don’t make a rash decision.
Give it a few years. Yes, I’m afraid, years. You’ve got A LOT of healing to do.
After that, if you still feel that Kenny’s waiting, remember three things: shot gun to the head, jumping from ten stories or more, and lying down on railroad tracks. Those are the methods of suicide that have less than 10% chance of failure, and they’re all pretty quick. Don’t mess with trying for a drug overdoes; those things fail more than they work. Also, you can combine these methods (i.e., shotgun to head laying on rail road tracks or shooting yourself in such a way that you slide over the edge of a building).
If you think the call from Kenny is strong enough to see you through one of those options, then maybe it’s time. But if that voice in your head that says it’s time says “drug overdoes”, tell it to go fuck itself.
“We lived for each other… So why am I still here?”
Not exactly accurate … the reality is you live for yourself … you SHARE life with those around you … but as close as we may feel to those we share with, we are still separate individuals that can can and do survive and even thrive despite such a lose.
You have my deepest and sincere sympathies – you now have a template of the type of person who you will thrive with going forward when you’re ready to share again – don’t settle for less
all the best
dawg
Oh you poor thing. Im so sorry your love had to end in that way. I wish I was able to “trade” my useless life for kenny’s. I wish God to give me the aneurysm instead of him
Your life is not worthless but mine without Kenny is. My life before Kenny was not a life. He made me happy and people around us said that we were in the “honeymoon stage” for the entire nine years of our life together.
Yesterday I found out that there were warning signs that I missed. It is my fault Kenny died. I sent a text to his brother apologizing for Kenny’s death.
It was most certainly not your fault. What, were you supposed to be on the look out for every little thing on the planet? An eye twitch, a fart? I highly doubt it. These things happen, I’m afraid. They are not nice, they are devastating, but they cannot be blamed on any one person. YOU are not to blame, please understand this. If anything, the universe in all it’s wisdom is.
You can believe you’re the reason he died because you didn’t notice every little thing that happened in a grown man’s life. I’m sure Kenny’s brother will tell you not to feel like you must bear the burden of it.
It’s only natural to feel like something or someone should be at fault and try to rationalize how things have occurred. The guilt you feel now is part of the grieving process, no matter if you want to hear that or not. I’ve been there, so I know it’s not an easy place to be. Denial, guilt, anger, bargaining and acceptance are just a few of the many stages of bereavement. I only hope you realise you’re not the cause. If anything, you made Kenny’s last days good days. Just remember him with fondness. If you truly feel you are still to blame, then I’m sorry. And I’m sorry if I came across as being somewhat harsh, but I feel you’re being so hard on yourself when you should be taking care of yourself. You’ve been through a lot. <3