Lonely..

I feel like I’ve had depression for most of my life, but I’ve never been diagnosed. It started when I was younger because I could tell my parents didn’t want me. I was their “surprise,” and I’ve heard more than once that I was a mistake. I’m also the youngest out of three. So yeah. My sister is my mom’s pride and joy, and as much as it makes me mad that my mom doesn’t act like she gives two shits about me, I love my sister to death. Like I said before, I’ve felt like I’ve had depression for a really long time. I can’t talk to anyone about it really because my mom doesn’t give a shit, and she’d tell me that I don’t know what I’m talking about because I’m fine. My mom wants this perfect little life ya see, so nothing can be wrong with her family. My dad….he’s an alcoholic, so no use going to him about anything. God forbid I EVER tell them I almost committed suicide. My dad says it’s the easy way out…and I can’t tell you how much it pisses me off to hear someone say that suicide is easy. I’m sure all of you who have also attempted it can say that it is one of the hardest things to do. Back on topic.. I only have 3 friends. One knows all about it…well the most of it. I don’t want to tell him about my almost suicide because I don’t want him to freak out. My other friend and I are pretty much just a like. He’s also dealt with this for a really long time…and I don’t want to worry him with my problems when he has enough of his own. I hope that doesn’t sound harsh. My last friend. The one I’ve known since kindergarten…she would NEVER understand. She feels the same way about suicide as my parents do, so no point right? Even if I do try to talk to her about it, she’ll just tell me how big of a little ***** I’m being. Plus, all of my friends are younger or the same age as me, and none of us can drive. Plus, I don’t think they’ll let a few 15 year old kids into the doctors office…especially expecting to pay for the visit. I just recently told my sister that I needed help..but I told her she CANNOT tell our mom. I know how my mom will react, and she wouldn’t let me try to get help. My sister said she’d help me the best she can…I’m just hoping it’s soon enough. It’s not really easy trying to deal with depression and suicidal thoughts on your own.