may

beautiful day outside. in the 80s. but i see only darkness. can’t seem to escape my head. don’t have the energy to do anything. want to sleep, but can’t. barely have the energy to write this. trying to form coherent sentences . it is almost may. the month i had designated as my last. maybe that is why i am weepy, sad, etc etc. name the depression symptom i have it. the muscle pain and fatigue seem to be getting worse. sleep doesn’t feel refreshing. like i have been beaten up while i slept. then there is the suicidal thoughts. never far from my mind. seems like a reasonable response to how shitty i feel. saw the family over the weekend and the thought of not seeing them again doesn’t really faze me. same can be said of friends etc. i already feel detached from everyone anyway so going the extra step doesn’t seem illogical. so is today the day? can’t and won’t say. i won’t back myself into a corner. been there, already done that. can’t be too cautious. i know that no one who knows me reads these posts on a regular basis. it is amazing how easily i can fade into the “woodwork” so to speak. spent a good portion of my life trying to be invisible. i can hide in plain sight. when you don’t believe it matters if one lives or dies it is pretty easy . slip away quietly and no one will notice, until it is too late. maybe. well better get something accomplished today. seems like my whole self worth is dependent on what chores i get done. wouldn’t want to be lazy.