The circle is closing in.

Every day there is something new–some new problem, some new slight real or imagined.   I don’t want to deal with them anymore.

I need to make a decision soon on the best way to die.   Any spare moment I have is spent thinking about the best way to kill myself.  Part of me wants to get a gun and shoot myself in the head in the middle of the woods.  That way even if I don’t die right away, I’ll bleed out.   A gunshot to the head is lethal, about 100 percent effective especially if I do it in a secluded area and no one finds me for several days.  An exit bag seems like a lot of trouble to put together, and I’m sure that my wife would question the purchase of the drugs, etc., when they show up on my credit cards.  I thought that I had a fail-safe plan with a train, but the one railroad crossing that has no barriers up on it was just closed.  The barriers make me think about not killing myself, and when I think about it I lose my nerve.   I could have a couple of drinks and walk in front of a train.  The only problem with that is that if I am drunk I might end up not staying on the tracks and dying.

I hate this.