Actually I don’t want to know why. I don’t want to know why I feel the way I do. I don’t want to understand my depression. I just want it all to be gone. Suicide, for me, is unrealistic. Only because I don’t have the guts and I’m just too afraid of the pain. I constantly tell this to myself because I know it’s true that I won’t kill myself. But I want to, I just can’t. I’m trying to stay in the present, and I’m trying to think about now and not about the future and not about the past. But the past and future is all I think about. And it drives me CRAZY. It drives me insane. What makes me feel insane? My own thoughts. I am making myself feel this way. If my brain is making my feelings and making me feel depressed, then why can’t I feel happy? I just don’t understand why I feel this way. I am forcing myself to live day after day and I am suffering day after day. I am trying to control my depression, but it’s just taken over. I am only living because I am “not allowed” to die. I am only living for others.
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What did you used to like to do to make you feel joy?
Music and art. I used to go to my guitar/piano and sing to make me feel better. I used to listen to music all the time, but I never listen to music anymore because it just reminds me of the bad times and I automatically flash back to horrible memories. I used to go out and spend time with friends, but I don’t do that anymore.
I am sorry for asking the quistion again on one of your other things…but any way… Have you ever thougth of just changing yur type of music you listain too… I can see your problem with musice I have it too … I can’t listian to many of the songs I loved… But I found new songs…. Do you like anime?