I wish I could do it all over. I messed up so much and I feel the pain spilling out of me all the sadness and anger that I bottled up has found a way out. I don’t know if I will be alive tomorrow. I don’t even exist. I just a waste of space. I prayed but this time for others I won’t pray for help any longer it’s selfish. I just keep going I don’t even know how I got out of bed today. If I had a gun I would not think twice. I could die tonight why not? I have pills the right kind. I know it won’t get better because this is karma. I was a bad person. I smoked meth and drank my pain away for so long. I’m only 15 if only there was second chances.
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Why not? Because I care so much about you, girl! I’ld be hurt if anything bad were to happen to you… Regrets are pointless, Sam… The past is past. You made some mistakes, but that doesn’t make you a bad person, dear. I know that the pain just doesn’t seem to go away… but you’re life is not over. YOU’RE 15! Your life hasn’t even begun, love! When you can’t feel anything but pain and despair, it may seem that there’s no way out of this… But there is, Sammie. And I’m always here with you, love… to help you all the way. If you want me to, that is… How are you feeling today?
I don’t want to hurt anyone I just want it to end I tried everything and now I’m not trying and it’s still here it’s always with me the pain it’s just to much. I know I’m only 15 but I am very wise I had to grow up to fast. I never really had that much of a childhood. I know that I’m not a bad person now because I care too much. I can’t help but care for others. You may think there is a way out of this for me but if you truly knew me you would know that I’m to far gone now. I don’t think anyone can help me. The last person who tried went insane. Thank you for everything though. I’m feeling hopeless. What about you?
I’ll help you through anything, Sam. And I promise I won’t go insane! Oh, Sammie… if only you would have seen me when I was your age… I was so gone, so desperate. God, I don’t even know how I got out of that… I never thought I’ld get to 18, needless to say 20. And now… I feel good, I can say. I guess… I fought and I learned to handle things… both inside and outside of me…
I want you to feel good too, love. And I want to be there for you. I’m so afraid to care… I’m afraid that I will lose you too… and I’ll get hurt again… But I don’t know… I think you’re worth taking a chance for.
Sam, you care about others… but be careful who you care about. If they don’t deserve it and they don’t appreciate you, you’ll only get hurt…
I don’t know exactly what to say now… to help you through the pain… Could you think for a little… and tell me what’s hurting you the most right now?
P.S I forgot to answer… I’m feeling pretty good today…
I know not to get to close to people I’m nice so people like to use me. I know what’s hurting me I do. My nightmares they feel real I woke up crying today. I don’t if you really want to talk about that kind of stuff. (I was raped) Through out my childhood. I don’t really think I can do anything about it. What’s also hurting me is the way I see myself I’m killing myself every time I eat I feel so gross I just can’t eat anymore it’s not worth it. People words hurt a lot I’ve tried really hard and my ex boyfriend called me fat. I guess to most people that would not matter but I’ve been called fat all my life. I have extreme anxiety. and right now I just feel like I have to keep it all inside and I try but it hurts so much that I can’t help but cry I hate crying I hate it so much. I keep trying and I fall on my butt every time. Life hurts I don’t like getting out of bed anymore..
That’s great.
(sigh) I know how it is to feel used, Sam. Even if people don’t appreciate you, you’re still a wonderful girl, Sammie.
Nightmares usually appear when you have problems in real life too… at least that’s what I noticed with myself… It’s linked to the anxiety you usually feel… I guess we should do something about that first…
About the rape (sigh)… I believe that’s the worst thing someone can do to a girl… especially to a child… My ex girlfriend was raped too… She didn’t really get over it… I don’t know what to say really… Just think about this… it wasn’t your fault… not one bit! That monster has hurt you so much. It’s not worth it hurting yourself more, love!
As for the eating disorder… if you don’t feel good about yourself, you could try doing some exercise, love… Food is your friend, Sammie… If you don’t like eating too much, though, you could try and take some vitamins… just in case… Even so, you’re not fat at all. I saw your picture… and you’re super cute… You’re SOOOO BEAUTIFUL, Sammie… and you don’t even see it… Maybe you should learn to be more indifferent to what people say about you… If they don’t care about you, why should you even bother with what they think?
You know… I’ve got a mindtrick that you could use… Something I used in the “beginnings” of my change… But first I gotta ask you something, Sam… Do you ever put yourself down? I mean, do you ever find yourself saying to yourself things like “I’m ugly, I’m worthless” or “I don’t deserve to exist”?
Everyday my mind is trying to kill me. Having anxiety makes things worse though I have social anxiety to so that’s why I have a bad self esteem and why I care what people think. My mind makes me think that no one cares that I’m useless and fat I’ll never be good enough. A lot of the times I start to believe I don’t exist. You see these things make me feel like I’m drowning. Being raped sucks to tell you the truth I can’t forget it’s changed things. I don’t like being touched or even people getting close to me it makes me shake. I know it’s not my fault I think everyday how I could have avoided it. It sucks to be in a life were you can’t do anything right. Being so different and no one really understands. Eating disorders are not that easy I do work out sometimes after I eat anything. My diet now is water.
Hey, if nobody else cares, I’ll always care about you, Sammie! As long as you’ll need me… (sigh) I generaly feel good about myself, but sometimes I feel wortless too… One of the weak points of having a very volatile mind… But I guess it’s normal. You know… I think that social anxiety comes from caring so much about what others say. If you’ld be more indifferent, you’ld be more laid back… (And funny thing… that’s when you do things better… when you stop caring so much about them).
Regrets, love, don’t help you at all… As you said it yourself… it wasn’t your fault. Stop thinking about what you could have done differently. If you knew more then, things would have been different. Think about what you can do now to avoid that from happening again. That way, you’ll also be able to let go of the pain… to forget.
I guess that you do that to yourself… you put yourself down. The trick I told you about goes like this… Observe what bad things you say to yourself… then deny them. Say things like: “I’m not ugly”, “I’m not worthless”, “I do deserve to be happy”. It’s very effective, believe me! Do that and soon you’ll start to believe them too.
As for the eating “disorder” (I don’t like labels… like “disorder”)… Maybe you should first see what is causing you to feel this way… to see yourself as gross… don’t you think? Maybe it’s because you care about what other stupid people say… I don’t know… What do you think, Sammie?
I developed the anorexia when I was 12 so but that’s when I did have my brother and his friends calling me “whore, fat slut, pig and stupid”. Might be because of that. Then I lost 40 pounds and I still see myself as the same I don’t see where I lost the weight. I don’t leave my house that often so I think I’m safe from being raped. That’s easy to do but I have two people fighting in my head and one makes me feel useless and the other try’s to give me hope. The one that makes me feel useless always wins.
(sigh) You’re anything but that, love. You’re the exact oposite of what your stupid brother said. I think you’re an amazing girl, Sammie. And you deserve to be happy.
What do you think about the mindtrick I showed you? Do you wanna try it? It will help you with the voice in your head that’s making you feel useless… it will help you fight it… and eventually remove it… How was your day till now, btw?
Thank you. I’ll try it. I hope it works. My dad has been alright I have not left my bed yet I don’t think I will today. What about you?
Even if you don’t see a change imediately, keep trying. It will work eventualy, Sam. I’m glad that you’re okay… As for me… (sigh) My day was pretty good till a few hours ago… Right now I feel horrible… I feel so alone… I wish I could have someone to talk to… I wish I had someone to care about me…
I care about you. Your not alone. You can always talk to me. I’m sorry you feel this way.
Oh, Sammie… Thank you! I really needed to hear that… It’s just that… I wish I had someone here with me… It’s pretty late… so I can’t talk to anyone here… I don’t know… I guess I really need a girlfriend… (sigh) That’s what I want more than anything on this Earth… To have someone to call my own… What about you, Sam? How is it going with your boyfriend?
Any girl would be lucky to have you. You will find the perfect girl for you one day. Well we are taking a break but he went and sighed up for the military. I don’t think he really cares about me because he wants me to wait for him but I’m already depressed I can’t deal with him leaving I’ll miss him I won’t be able to wait for him. It would be to hard.
(sigh) If only other girls would think that too… I mean I’m smart, I look pretty good, I can be funny (if I want to be)… But what’s the point of it? Tell me, Sammie… Who would want a depressed, messed up guy? (sigh)
Anyways… how much will he be away from you?
If someone really loves you they think your perfect. He said he might be gone for 20 years. I can’t wait that long when he would get back I would almost be 36 that’s just to long. I would wait but that would just cause more suffering.
@ just.me.20
I sometimes think that however deeply unappealing I may be there is always someone out there that’s prepared to overlook this. How else would humankind be able to perpetually renew itself.
@At Fishers Cross I know that I’ll eventually find a girl who will love me… I just wish I could find her sooner…
@Sam WOW! That’s a very long time! I don’t know… He chooses to spend so many years of his life in the military… when he could spend them with you?!?! Hmmm… I guess that says a lot about what he feels for you, Sammie. Don’t you think?
Hey, I was curious… Does Sammie come from Samantha? Or that is your name… just Sammie?
My real name is Samantha. I know I’m second guessing everything. I feel like life’s to short to hurt like this. I don’t want to miss someone who choose to go away for that long but I will because that’s what I do I let myself get hurt.
@just.me.20 Sorry to intrude, just wanted to let you know that I would want a ‘depressed, messed up guy’ such as yourself. In my experience, the people who have had to deal with great difficulties like mental illness tend to be some of the most compassionate, wise, and understanding people I know. Personally, I think I’d have a much easier time relating to someone who had been through some of the same struggles I had. If I knew you in real life, the only reason I can think of why I WOULDN’T be interested in you would be that I’d consider you far too good for me – smart, good-looking, funny, kind…
@Samantha Sorry… I got caught up in my thread… I like your name… Samantha. Ha! Thanks for talking to me… I feel a bit better right now.
I don’t know… I guess it’s a long time… And you’re right… it’s not worth the hurt… And with the problems you two already had… Is he really worth it? Maybe you need to take better care of yourself, and not let yourself get hurt, Sammie.
Hey, by the way… it’s tuesday today… Didn’t you have classes today?
@FateFellShort Thank you, dear! Why do you think you wouldn’t be good enough for me… or for any guy in this world, that is? You seem like an honest and caring girl… You should value yourself more, dear… And don’t give up! You’ll find yourself a guy one day… one that will adore you and make all your pain go away!
Hey, Sammie… I hope you didn’t get upset that I didn’t answer right away… (sigh) I’m such a mess…
@just.me.20 I suppose not feeling good enough just comes down to high self-hatred and low self-esteem. Thank you, though, that’s very nice of you to say.
@Sam I apologize if I’ve been hijacking your post here, Sam. Do you mind me asking why you feel you have no hope at a second chance? You’re young enough that I think there’s probably a pretty decent possibility that you’d be able to turn your life around, especially if you’re physically healthy and have access to resources that could be helpful. I don’t know much about your situation, though, so I apologize if this comes off as flippant. And, of course, that isn’t to say that turning things around would be easy. I just don’t think you should write your life off yet.
@just.me.20 No I had to do school work and I forgot to check I’m sorry.
@fatefellshort When you do meth it messes your brain up. It’s one of the reasons I’m so unhappy it caused me to not be able to enjoy things. I sit in my room for hours all alone for hours and think about how I ruined my life I really did. I can’t change what I have done and what meth did to me won’t go away. How would you feel if you knew that you might never feel happy. When they say meth destroys life’s there not lying. I call meth the devils drug because it makes you do bad things it changes the way you think about things. I’m sorry about all this meth talk. I honestly could say I love meth I just can’t do it anymore.
@Sam I don’t know a lot of detail about your situation so forgive me if I’m misinterpreting what you’re saying, but I think I can relate. My brain and body have both been permanently damaged, in more ways than one, and while it’s possible things could get better for me than they are currently, I know my cognitive and physical functioning are always going to be impaired, and my mental health will likely never return or even come close to what it once was either. Even if I were to start having fantastic luck and everything started going right all the time (which I’m not hopeful will ever happen; story of my life is things just going from bad to worse), I still will most likely never feel like myself again. In addition to my underlying health problems, I had a bad reaction to a medication several years ago, which is what caused my mental health to completely go off the deep end (beforehand I was pretty mentally healthy, nothing diagnosable at least). After six months on the medication with my mental health steadily going downhill the entire time, I stopped taking it, but things have never been the same since. I haven’t felt happiness or any other positive emotion in over three years – not once, not even a little bit. I honestly don’t think I will ever feel anything good again.
Anyway, sorry to be rambling about myself, but I think I have some understanding of your situation. Knowing that you have (or may have) sustained irreversible damage to your brain/body, when that’s the source of (at least a significant part of) your misery, is horrible. I’m really, really sorry you’re in that position. I hope you can find a solution other than death.