A few days ago I made an attempt and failed. Â Although the entire event was totally painless and quite peaceful I awoke about 30 minutes after only to find my body had apparently taken over using its’ reflexive ability to remove what was “causing harm”. Â I did not take this into consideration and therefore it serves as yet another example of my capacity to fail miserably. Â The end result was a massive headache which slowly subsided as the evening wore on and a persistent thought that I may have caused some sort of brain damage.
Having a bit of medical knowledge I performed self tests to ensure my functions seemed normal but only so that I could make sure I would be able to think clearly in preparing my next steps. Â How did this make me feel? Â Anger, rage, self-loathing, disappointment, grief … all pointed internally at myself. Â The next morning I immediately began preparations and this time I was going to ensure it would go off without a hitch. Â By this time I really could care less if there happened to be a few painful moments as long as it would be over with no chance of being “rescued”. Â I laugh at that word, by the way: “rescue”. Exiting this existence *is* my rescue and being kept from doing so would be “punishment”.
Today, I headed over to my local “suicide bridge” for a rescue that would only take 2 to 3 seconds. Â Quite a famous bridge actually (although not as famous as the Golden Gate). Â My plan was to walk about a bit across the bridge taking in the scenery. Â I would wait for the egotistical joggers, runners and bicyclists to clear, wait for the perfect pause in traffic (I don’t want to be seen by anyone especially an innocent child) then quickly hop over the ledge knowing my rescue would be a short three seconds later. Â As I exited the bus I froze in my tracks: a “suicide fence” had been erected. Â How could I have been so stupid? Â How could I have not known this was taking place? Â I can see this bridge from across the water at my own house and still I did not know? Â Apparently the businesses and boat owners below found the extreme number of “jumpers” to be bad for business or an inconvenience to their gorgeous landscaped views of the boat-filled waters and petitioned the city and state for a $4 million fix. Â I walked both sides twice looking for my door-to-rescue but could find none. Â So now here I am.
Now the feelings of anger, rage, self-loathing, disappointment and grief have become more intense. Â It seems I am successful in only finding ways of failing. Â What do I do now? Â I’ve struggled for many years of this adult life “pushing on” and trying to “shake off” these feelings and now it seems I am left with no other choice but to suffer a while longer all the while hearing stories of how others have rescued their own selves. Â Even just a short while ago the local news broadcast a story of another who was rescued by death. Â Failure in my projects. Â Failure in my personal life. Â Even on my social media sites: failure. Â I’ve not made any posts in almost two weeks after being a daily multi-poster for well over three years and how many people, even those locally who claim to be “friend”, have asked where I am? Â ZERO.
Now, I’ll see more comments on this site from those that say “you’re just not ready to let God in!” or “It’ll get better!”. Â I don’t believe in your archaic myth of a supernatural deity that is all controlling. Â It’s ludicrous. Â It’s preposterous and an insult to logic. Â I don’t look upon this as some form of existential spiritual crisis. Â It simply is a person who fails at everything failing yet again. Â If your only comment is spiritual or religious or in some form in regards to an “almighty” then simply keep it to yourself – your mystic or juvenile opinions and wishes are not welcome here. Â After all how many diseases have been cured by science? Â Literally thousands. Â How many by beseeching some mythical deity vis-a-vis candle lighting and prayers? Â ZERO.
For now, just keep silent and let me be until I figure out sometime soon the answer to my question, “And now what?”.
9 comments
Damn! They snuck a 4 million dollar fence right under your freakin nose. Those bastards. I am curious you go for it but fail and wake up alive…what a nightmare…but how did it go wrong. Sounds like some shitty hanging or bag method. What happened? N how old r ya
After my failed attempt, I kept hearing the phrase “hurt myself”. No..that was never my intent. Quite the opposite actually.
I get the feelings of self loathing and etc, but try not to be too hard on yourself; you did try whole- heartedly after all.
I’m curious about your previous attempt. Care to share?
Also, I probably shouldn’t have, but I chuckled at your repeated use of ‘rescue’ as a euphemism.
@calimike: I am 43. I’m not sure if we are supposed to discuss methods here or not but whatever: yes, inert gas (helium). Planned it for weeks but didn’t think about the autonomic reflexes and ended up awake with the bag torn open on the front and the tank still hissing but running on empty. Otherwise it would have worked.
After, I took a shower, tossed everything in the closet (boxed it up and taped it closed), took a shower then ate a cheese sandwich. Sounds absolutely exhilarating, yeah? I haven’t told anyone about this but hey … no one has even contacted me since early last week so … yeah.
@ataraxia: did you end up in hospital? Is that where the term “hurt yourself” was used? Yes, “rescue”. Every time I hear that someone was rescued I initially think, “sad but good for them. Now they have peace.”, then I realize the meaning and it just … p*sses me off. These people have no idea. “Oh let’s rescue them ’cause they want to die but it’s only because they’re a little sad. They just need to get out and stuff.”. Makes me laugh and angry at the same time. They really haven’t a clue.
@ataraxia: also, I love your screen name
Damn twice my age. Did it go wrong somewhere or were you always like this and you put on your best smile and soldiered on? is happiness completely elusive for you or do you think your too old and you’ve failed when it mattered and your too far now? Were you happy when you did have people in your life? What’s it like being you…?
Well, I’ve never felt old until now. Thanks! (that’s sarcasm btw). No. it’s always just been “wrong”. I’ve done well professionally, have traveled the world but it’s just never felt right. I don’t know how to explain it but you hit the mark: yes, I’ve always just donned a smile and acted the part of the cheery, helpful individual. I often stand in front of the mirror before going into public practising how my smile should look you know, to keep it from looking forced or fake and I think I’ve done quite well but, it’s to the point I just can’t seem to do it anymore.
People in my life: there are two that I condsider parental units however they are thousands of miles away … literally. And even if I were to be near them it really wouldn’t be any better. I know. I’ve tried that and it seems my acting just went into hypergear mode.
The past year has been different. My job is now gone (thank you, mergers with large companies!), savings is depleted and unemployment benefits, though it just barely covers my expenses, will halt soon thanks to gov’t cuts. I ended a relationship in 2007 that seemed to be going well until 10-years into it I discovered they were cheating and draining my savings. I took a year to get over that and have met a few people since but they always seem so fake. Granted, it’s probably me as I do now have trouble trusting others. But this is not because of a relationship-gone-bad. Not in the least: I just can’t remember a time when I was truly “happy”. Ever. What’s the point of existing you can not feel useful or fulfilled?
I moved cross-country for a change and with the encouragement of a dear friend but soon after, they moved away and have since married and created their own life. I hear from them now perhaps once every other month or so. Other “friends”: it seems if I do not initiate conversation or activities then nothing happens. Case in point: I’ve contacted no one for almost two weeks and it has been totally silent.
Now where I’m at: money is low to nonexistent which means rent will last maybe another month – two if I eat only a few times per week, credit cards are okay only because I’m not using them except for a small amount – I couldn’t pay them if I used them, friends: well reread the above if you don’t remember and to top it all off, the only real enjoyment I’ve ever obtained from life is in playing piano. Last Autumn I fell and nearly broke my hand. It has never fully healed – even attempting a simple piece is painful and the resultant music, dreadful.
So, that’s me: basically a perpetually “down” (as I was called in another post) individual who always puts on a smile in an attempt to appear normal but, now that is not even impossible.
Wow. So lets see you got no job no partner and the only thing that made you anything close to happy is now off the board. Well buddy I think I am similar to you. I’m in similar circumstances but circumstances are always temporary. The actual problem is nothing makes you happy. Why live if that’s the case? I know what that is like because nothing satisfies me either. Get this dude I am set to inherit multmillions in idk15-20 years…whenever my mom dies. I can go to any college completely paid for. Got a truck and family job if I want. You know what though its all worthless to me. Nothing makes me happy must be my brain dunno. Theres no worth in it and fuck I’d say I’m in a great position as far as resources. The irony kills me haha. I just don’t really see the point of it if no amount of sex drugs or money really does it. Luckily the GGB is too scenic to throw up suicide barriers. As far as your situation well rope does the trick and it can be done so not real painful.
now. let me get my psychiatrist hat on. so you’ve asked the question. “what now?”… at the most basic level, that means that you DON’T KNOW THE ANSWER.
there’s a lot i could say about that, most of it patronising. the other thing i could say to you is: wire cutters.
i’m new to this site. i’m just here to observe the turnover rate. but one parting piece of cynicism/advice::: it’s ok to try again tomorrow.