“the thought of what I did to you, it tore me up inside. you didn’t deserve that, no one does. thinking of how happy you made me, how miserable I made you feel at times. how could you forgive me? please don’t confuse me as ungrateful, I love you. how could I not? I hate to be an echo chamber of words whispered into your ear a million times over, but you’re worth it. your smile that could melt away the stars, so bright, filling others with pure bliss. your soft spoken words, it’s as if the wind carries your words & dance to the […]
my early childhood. back then, when my sadness was not my default emotion. back then, when i had everything. when the world was beautiful. when i wasn’t running on empty. when things were ok. when i was ok. when my household was happy and perfect. everything was perfect. before my disorders started to show up.
yet, that feeling of happiness has become so fleeting, so foreign. i have yet to re-experience the bliss and carelessness i had as a young child. so many things that i cannot remember. but i think back, and i remember how i used to smile. i had a best friend. i […]
Outside of myself. The woman everyone see’s just like everyone else, is carefully crafted. I am strong enough sometimes to smile and make jokes to my colleagues and sort out the chaos on my 3 Monitors to successfully complete a days work. I have pain beyond my threshold leeching on my spine and chest. I contain them until the weekend when I can perform my mental surgeries.
When the wounds mastisize and become larger than my ability to contain them I am frozen. I am powerless. I look at my 3 Monitors and watch the inbox rise watch the Skype pings sting watch that there is […]
I told my only family member it was time for me to stop. The only person in the world who knew me. He said at least try acid once.
I dosed and became one with the Universe and all that shit. I felt something fall off my shoulders afterwards. I got an understanding of why I survived the first eleven years of my life along with him surviving the first twenty.
-We weren’t meant to survive right?
I got a hippy ass perspective on why there’s scars on my genitals that I can’t explain to a doctor.
It lasted about a month until I was drugged and raped […]
2nd year anniversaries are so surreal.
I dont know if it would honor you or offend you if I chose to enter light body that day. I already failed once in a way I shouldnt have failed because of your bad timing. Then you died.
This is a sign I should go with you, I feel sometimes. You said you couldn’t do this life without me, what the fuck do you expect me to do here without you.
Drugs sure help. Maybe they’ll have pity/mercy on me the way they did for you and take care of the dilemma I face daily
My mother is dying. She has always been the head of the family and she runs everyone’s life. She likes to keep everyone under her thumb. Even now, she won’t do what the doctors tell her (they told her mid May she only had a few weeks to live) and now it is mid August. None of us are strong enough to cope without her. I wish she would tell me that she loves me, that she knows I’m a trying to be good person. But instead, even from her sick bed she is trying to get everyone to do as she says. I know […]
I went to a grief support group last night. It took me two weeks to find one that would take me. I live in a fairly large city (roughly 2 million), but yet every single place I called told me I didn’t belong there (except one.) I called hospitals, grief support groups, community mental health organizations, counselors (in fairness, they’d take me, at the tune of $90 and up and hour), and every referral service I could find on the internet. I even called suicide prevention, but they did not have any new names of organizations that I had not tried.
I explained the same thing […]
Since I last hurt myself. I’ve been forcing myself to try and stay strong and not do it again. I almost did yesterday, but I willed myself through it.
I had a spiritual experience the other day that… Well it scared me. What I saw. I am a Pagan who has fallen out of practice but am trying to pick myself up again through it. I’ve gone through these types of experiences before, but this one in particular really opened my eyes. At the local New Age shop, they have a cot in the back with a selenite grid underneath it with a bunch of […]
I have to write this down or let anyone know, it just has to be off my chest.
I feel so goddamn lonely, like nobody really gives two shits about me. I know it’s not true, yet I can never seem to shake the feeling. It just seems like everyone forgets about me, like I’m not important to anyone. My friends are all just moving on so fast and forgetting about me, while I’m still stuck in the pain and grief over my brothers suicide. They don’t understand me but also never seem to try. They’re all leaving me behind and I’m so scared. I have […]
It’s weird how calculated I’m being about my own need to take my own life. The reason I’m here in the first place is because I have so many emotions I can’t control/deal with anymore. And here I am thinking of all the things I need to get in order before I go. I need to get a job and pay off my student loans so my parents aren’t left with grief AND debt. I need to leave them all my passwords. I need to get my room in order and get rid of as much stuff so they don’t have to go through everything […]
Since I decided to end things I have found my sense of humour… I feel happy! It feels so strange since I have been living for so long faking laughter, smiles, interest.
I have a very big helium tank behind my couch all set up and ready to go. I spent yesterday getting ready and I found myself occasionally reaching over to touch the tank or the exit bag, all I felt was assurance and comfort. I’m a little nervous, but not enough to question my choice.
How did I get here?
I have got no idea how I have lasted this long. When I was 17 I […]
– Should you write a letter or leave without any last words?
– If you should write a letter, what should you mention to lessen their foreshadowed guilt?
– Should you end up missing, aka don’t let them see your inanimate body?
– Should you cut ties with them in advance?
Just curious concerns. Â Want to know your opinions and why you feel that way. Â thanks
I’ve had this saved for some time now. Realised from the moment I thought it that one day I would use it. My family, especially my parents, have the right to know why I decided to do the unthinkable. They have no idea I’ve been researching it for months. Devious really. This is a material world and I want out.
To My dear loving family
Forgive him all for what heâ€™s done
A departed soul he has become
His pain and sufferingÂ so much so
He had no choice but to go
Young, loving and so very proud
But in the end was beaten by deaths dark […]
If think if anyone KNEW the impact their suicide would have on those left behind, I honestly don’t think they would do it. They not only leave us to mourn them, feeling the pain and sorrow because they’re gone, etc. They add so much more to all that. They force upon us guilt, remorse, hatred, confusion, shame,unknowing,alone…anything and everything one could ever feel is thrown at you all at once. What they inflict goes beyond any pain or suffering one feels when a person passes due to a cause that isn’t suicide. You never recover. You can’t. Even if it seems the grief is managed, […]
A few days ago I made an attempt and failed. Â Although the entire event was totally painless and quite peaceful I awoke about 30 minutes after only to find my body had apparently taken over using its’ reflexive ability to remove what was “causing harm”. Â I did not take this into consideration and therefore it serves as yet another example of my capacity to fail miserably. Â The end result was a massive headache which slowly subsided as the evening wore on and a persistent thought that I may have caused some sort of brain damage.
Having a bit of medical knowledge I performed self tests to […]
i am in pretty bad shape too man….i can feel you and see how many you and me there really are, imagine the total grief and helplessness and hopelessness in this world man, it is enough to be a world in itself, maybe that is what hell is. maybe hell is the collective weight of all peoples’ failed aspirations, expectations and dreams, maybe hell is the all weighty almighty DREAM that was never chased. it just lies there, emptying slowly, its mass and thickness invading all that comes in its way, it comes inside you and me thijs, through the nose, close your eyes all […]
This poem was written by a fifteen-year-old boy, most likely
in the late 1960’s, two years before he committed suicide.
To Santa Claus and Little Sisters
On yellow paper, with green lines, he wrote a poem,
And called it “Chops”,
Because that was the name of his dog,
And thatâ€™s what it was all about.
And the teacher gave him an “A”
And a gold star,
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door,
And read it to all his aunts.
That was the year his sister was born,
With tiny toenails and no hair,
And Father Tracy took them to the zoo
And let […]
I’m in a place where no one takes me as a human being. My parents are narrow minded and strict. My real friends are on the other side of the world but this is their exam time so they cant spend too much time on me. The so-called “friends” I have here talks to me only when they need something. I don’t have anyone who can support me. Some people say that ‘You don’t need support from others. Support yourself all the way!” Its true. After all, it’s reality too. But I’ve been trying to support myself for years. I always tend to feel weak […]
my friend took his own life on march 18, 2013. he gambled with his own life as he spun the cylinder to his prized .45 revolver, looked dead into his best friend’s eyes and pulled the trigger… he had a 1 in 6 chance of death and he took that- he left no warnings before hand… i dont think he thought it would go off… Â but it did… and now he’s gone…….. he thought he had no one but his best friend- and even then, he knew he was gonna move in with his girlfriend and Robert would be homeless and living in his […]
She woke up today feeling happy till she heard theÂ screechingÂ of her mothers voice. She had overslept. The kids were not ready for school and she did not have breakfast ready. She was so tired from the night before from having to meet two men.
She slowly got out of bed afraid of what her mother would do when she saw her. She raced quickly getting the small children up and on the bus. As they left she slipped the money onto the piano for her mother, knowing she was expecting it. She found it not quite fair that she had to sneak out of the house […]