I am 17 years old and have already attempted suicide once, and have been cutting myself for almost 8 years now. Lately I’ve become a complete wreck. I was recently dumped by a guy I’d been with for a year and 8 months. He was saving up for our engagement ring. My best friend has also recently disappeared from my life. My parents divorced when I was 2 and I haven’t seen my mom in almost 2 years now. I haven’t gotten along with my dad in years and his girlfriend of 8 years is a complete two-faced *****.
Lately, I’m constantly crying. Everything I do makes me tear up and I have to stop everything to try and hide it from the world, who thinks I’m perfectly happy.
I’ve found that thinking about my best friend tying me up and slowly stabbing me to death helps to calm me down, but I know this is messed up. I’m trying to get up the courage to try to kill myself again, but I’m terrified of my father and have this thought that if I tried, I’d fail and he would be extremely mad at me. I haven’t been able to eat properly in days, and whenever I do eat, I feel sick.
But what baffles me is why those closest to me don’t notice anything. Is it that they don’t know me? Or do they simply not care about whether or not something happens to me? I know everyone has their own issues to deal with, but surely your best friend or family is meant to be there whenever you need them, right?
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
4 comments
Alice, you are not alone. Cheesy opening, I know, but I’m very serious. You share the many traits of people like us, because we’ve all hit rock bottom, but we have either the choice of going up or going to the side (basically meaning living with it). You, dear Alice, may have hit it and you have stayed in that same spot. Death is one answer to the very many things in life, it’s our very own best friend in a way, because he smiles down at you, reassuring you everything is okay as you slit your wrist deeper this time, or take more pills. He holds us all near, because we have welcomed him in. The thing that we all have to do is be friends with Death while we are friends to Life. Let me explain. We have to get up and try again, keeping in mind that we have two options and they will always be there for us. Dear Alice, it may be that your father will be upset about the fact that you tried to kill yourself, not that you failed. I know it sounds like total complete shit, but it’s the truth because no parent wants to bury their own child or see them get hurt. Everyday my father has to watch as I beat myself up over the littlest of things (emotionally, not physically in about eight months now) because my fear is failing. When I wanted to kill myself, I was afraid that I would fail and my parents would be upset about me not killing myself, but they were just upset that I would even think about it. Your boyfriend and friends are just the stones in the road we go down, and they seem like mountains because we let ourselves to get attached, and that’s not always a bad thing. Something I have found that works is to change SOMETHING in your life, let it be the smallest thing or the biggest, but something that will impact you for the better. If you want to see your mom, go see her! Go out for a walk (easier said than done), eat an apple, take a kick-boxing class, listen to new music. My parents divorced when I was two as well, and for fifteen years I had lived with my mother without seeing much of my father. Then, in September 2012 I moved to my father’s house (eight months ago now) and I have loved that change. It was a pretty big change for my life, but I feel better about it. I still wear my black shirts and my sweater everywhere I go, but I feel happier, confident, and a little more free. Before you try to give into Death, change something about your life, and watch and wait for it to get better. If you don’t want to do that, you can always talk to us because WE know you, WE are here for you. Family IS supposed to stick together, and if needed we can be your family. You are not alone, not ever. Good luck, Dark Alice.
I don’t want to see my mother. Whenever I’m at her house, I feel scared. No child should feel scared of their own mother. And the friction between my father and I has gone on since before I started cutting myself. It’s actually reached a point where I can’t eat, I can’t sleep properly and I have this constant pain in my chest, like my heart is being crushed in someone’s hand. My throat hurts from constantly being on the verge of tears. And I have no one to go to. If I wasn’t such a coward, I would have killed myself by now, but I am a coward; I’m scared of the pain. Silly, right? I want to kill myself but I’m scared of pain
It’s not silly at all as many of us experience the same feelings.
I’m in a similar situation where I feel that those closest to me have abandoned me and are oblivious to my suffering.
But I realized that I deserved far better than what they were giving, and stopped caring what they thought or how they treated me.
I hope you discover the same.
Is there any adult at school who might be willing to listen to you? I think if you just have the right guidance, then you can make it through. I don’t think you should worry about your friend leaving you, because in life we make friend and lose friends depending on changes that go in our lives and personality. You will make new friends who will be better for you, as long as you put in the time, effort, and care.
you’re not going to be with your parents forever either. you will move on from them, and who knows, perhaps your relationship with them will get better. but the point is, if you hate your parents that much, you don’t have to rely on them when your older.