New here.. Don’t quite know where to start. Didn’t even know these kinds of websites existed until recently. I suppose when you are used to holding everything in and just dismissing everything as, “It’s just an event..it wont last forever..” you never really end up looking for these types of websites. Until you do…and its kind of funny how you one can go from 100 to zero overnight. I’m currently at the zero right now. My fiancé and I got into a physical argument. Never before ending with me being badly bruised. My body feels pain…thats how I know I’m alive I guess. Excuse me if I might not make much sense. I haven’t drank or ate anything in a while and have been living off of smokes.. This time feels different. This argument ended with my fiancé saying I am a bad mother and he is afraid to leave them with me. He then said later, that he said all of this and hit me out of anger. I vividly remember telling him to leave for a few hrs so I could calm down because I was very upset…but he never does…he stays and pushes and pushes then apologizes and buys me something or just forgets and moves on…
Have you ever felt so trapped in a relationship…as a parent? In life? Like you don’t have the courage to end your life..but don’t have the courage to really live it either? You just go through the motions over and over… eat…sleep…etc etc… and keep putting up with the crap that life has gracefully bestowed upon you… limbo… ? Is that the word for it? Thats me. End it. Don’t end it. End it.. don’t end it… If someone could just do me a favor and end it for me…. at least I could remain somewhat dignified… maybe I’m too much of a pansy…I’m probably that. My kids are what have kept me alive the past couple years. But I am not fitted to be a mother. How can I take care of those innocents…if I can’t take care of myself? Ive tried… counseling, antidepressants, talking to friends and family, on line groups. For what? To have my significant other who is abusive towards me..like I am towards him…. tell me I’m not good enough to be a mom. Okay hot shot. You win. Take your kids…the kids I raised for the past few years, who I nurtured even while hating myself and my life. Take them and find better. I hope my children know that I did try. I’m not one of those people who hate their life but don’t try to change. I have. I just don’t feel its enough anymore. Not quite enough just to…be… I am not happy, nor sad anymore. I just feel like some people are meant to live happy successful lives, and some aren’t. Even if you try. failing at life is something I have got used to.
I just don’t want my children to see me dead. Thats what keeps me alive for now. How to end it without looking like I ended it…maybe there is hope..maybe not. This is my first post… I highly doubt many will read it..I tend to be long-winded. If you do read this. I’m sure you’re in a similar place…
This website may be helpful to me after-all.
The nice part here is no one knows me. You might know me from my posts but I wont feel judged I guess… and if I am judged… it is only the Internet.
1 comment
Hello dontfight,
I have been with a man who hurt me too. I trusted and loved him and was so very very wrong about who he was and it left me shaken and distrustful of everything.
I realize now you don’t know how much a person is influencing you until you are away from them. It is like a kind of poison some people have, or a taking away of your true self. How did you feel before you were with this person? Were you happier at all? Or at least more peaceful or content at all? Are there any times or situations where you feel that? With other people or places?
I realize that the happiness I had came from other people than the one who hurt me or from myself and my own interests. But there comes a point where people can have such a bad influence on you that it begins to permiate everything.
Can you talk about it any more? Do you have any ideas of ways to find something you can believe in or at least live with to feel at least some contentment.
He hit you because he’s an asshole. The ultimate cowardly thing for a man to do. And then blames it on you. How fucking classic. I believe you are a good mother, you are searching for answers, for hope. Does he hit people in public places? If it was just anger he would hit people at work when he gets angry. How is he able to control himself then? Sorry, but its just a cowardly, bastard thing to do.
Can you talk to anyone in your area about things? To at least be able to have someone to share with? Samaritans, domestic violence? You can stay anonymous. But I just want you to know that there are people out here who care. I care.