It’s taking too long

I was born disabled.  Not your typical disability like being in a wheelchair or something but a very horrible genetic disease that has severe effects on the organs, skin and brain.   I’ve been waiting to die now for three decades and it just hasn’t happened.   I have been too sick to leave home for the last 5 years.  I want to hurry up the process.   I wish that I had access to ********.  It would make a huge difference just to have that available and know that there’s a way out.   I frequently think about leaping from an upper floor of the hospital.  I like the idea of jumping but I don’t want my siblings to have to deal with that emotionally.  It would be easier for them if I let the disease run it’s course but like I said it is taking too long.  I think I will live anywhere from three to ten years from now.  It’s really hard to think about living another ten years.  My body is weakening and I think if I were to live for another five years I probably would be too weak to get out of bed.   I wish there was an easy way out of life so I didn’t have to rot away like this.  This world is an evil place.  I am mad at god for making this world and for sending me here.