Lesbian, Medicated, Frustrated

My name is Sarah and I am 19 years old. Since the day I formed human attraction I knew I was in a world of trouble. When I was nine years old I developed my first crush on a girl, knowing it was not socially acceptable I ignored it. I had always been a more masculine kid, preferred riding dirt bikes and rolling in the mud over pretty pink dresses. Although my family had always supported me as an individual they still leaned towards the norm. I was still forced into those pretty pink dresses as a kid. In my early teens I hit a complete identity crisis, I tried so hard to ignore my homosexual and gender queer tendencies. I dated boys and dressed in a more feminine manner to impress my peers and family members. But there came a point and time were my false identity began to wear on me. I began to fall into a deep state of depression and started acting out when I was fourteen. I started self mutilating and attempted suicide on multiple occasions. As a result of this behavior I was hospitalized multiple times and was put on a heavy dose of psychiatric medications. A year passed since I had been “stabilized” and when I was fifteen I realized that the source of my depression was the homosexuality I had been ignoring for years. Although when I came out I could be myself, I never anticipated the further psychological and social consequences. Only a portion of my family was supportive, and that does not include the masculine image. I was bullied all throughout high school and was encouraged to change some of my masculine ways by my own family. In present time things are starting to go down hill again. On top of dealing with my homosexual issues, the medication I was put on as a result of dealing with those issues is getting in the way of my career. I want to get involved with the military but they insist I must be off the medication that is almost impossible to get off of because of its psychological affects. Sometimes I wish I would have never been born a lesbian so I wouldn’t have to go through life on a daily basis getting picked on and being restricted by medication I was put on because the corrupt ways of society made me have mental issues. I feel like I am stuck and I cant move forward with what I want in life because of these issues. Suicide has been an idea in my mind lately. I’m questioning if I wanted to live life a restricted homosexual. I also question how many other members of the LBGT community are also in this situation.