my life

Given Up: I’m sorry you’ve been through such hell! I know the hell-state well. I currently have one toe outside of that realm, so I would like to try to help a little. I particularly relate to the multitude of endless problems and traumas, and people–even professionals–really not hearing or helping. I think you probably know the hell-states wax and wane a little, even if it seems they never go away completely. You are young. I imagine you look ahead and think, “this is what my life will be? This is the misery and lack of control I must accept?” Of course suicide seems a good answer.

But maybe if you can try to encourage the hell state to wane a little bit. Having woken up this morning in that state but wanting a little bit to address it, I followed “Clevername’s” advice to the letter. (see under the “existence” post, prev page). I went to a labyrinth and walk in the woods. I ate an apple. I called a friend. I’m starting to think about concrete ways of simplifying and detaching, of allowing a little goodness or ease in and encouraging it to expand. If you see an opening within yourself for this type of mental self-care, jump at it. I do think the good moments must build on one another, providing a stronger base.

I’m not at all out the woods myself, but allowing myself to live really from one hour to the next, and crying a lot, feeling tired, but more at ease. Aim for ease.