that’s what needs to happen
that’s what i need to do.
but the problem isn’t knowing that
i know it all right
i know perfectly fine that’s what i have to do
it’s just i’m not strong
never have been strong.
i’m not strong enough to stop
because i need the pain so much
i need the anchor to the earth
so much
that i can’t give it up now.
i don’t know if i would call this an
addiction
but maybe that’s what it is.
idk.
how should i know?
why should i know?
and sometimes i just want to be
gone
wiped out of existing forever because you know my existence is
pointless anyways.
i am so scared
i am so scared
i am so scared
“stop cutting”
i tell myself
even as i reach for the blade i extracted from the razor
after so much
so much hard work.
i tried to stop
i truly did.
i couldn’t though:
i needed the blade too much.
i need the blade too much.
i went through three days without cutting
and i needed people around me
i needed noise.
when i was alone
in silence
or quiet
i could feel the blade singing
singing that it wanted me
and that i wanted it
and it scared me that it knew me so damn well.
as i write this i have the blade in one hand
pulling it across my skin
leaving a scar.
“just this once”
i tell myself.
“just this once and then i will stop.
for real.”
i know that i am lying to myself.
i can lie to others:
hell, every time they ask me if i’m ok, why i wear long sleeves,
anything that might expose me
i lie.
and they believe me.
one day my blanket of lies will be pulled off
exposing me
and they will hate me.
judge me.
as long as that’s in a
long
long
time
i don’t care.
for now i have the silver blade helping me
every day.
“just this once”
is a lie.
i can stay away for maybe a week at most
and then i will return to the blade
because the pain is beautiful.
the red is beautiful.
it’s all beautiful.
even the (ugly) scars.
2 comments
cutting is one of the most difficult habits to stop. i thought i was finally able to stop. but i was wrong. hang in there.
Cutting is very hard to stop I still struggle with it every day. I understand what you mean by they will judge me because thats what happened when people found out about me. They dont understand it is a sickness we suffer from because their minds are to narrow. somtimes I feel like they are the weak ones