Storming at Dawn

“Ooooh…”

 

So i was sitting outside a while ago, enjoying a smoke at dawn, during a rather precipitous rain storm…

A faded flash behind the veil, an echoed crack of thunder in the distance…

Crossed paths with some memories, thought about where i’d left some things…

 

There’s a certain person who is always close inside, no matter how far removed from my physical life, who i just can’t help but think of, when it rains.

Or when it’s just cloudy.

Or when it’s sunny.

Or when it’s just a normal windy day.

 

I recalled a recurring theme i used to employ, as part of my previously favorable attitude and outlook that this person once appreciated, and the way i used to say:

 

“All you can do is all you can do…”

 

We’re alive now, today, even if everything sucks, even if life is nothing but agony, misery, embarrassment, humiliation and pain.

Once you flip the “off switch,” you can’t turn it on again.

 

So no matter how much you might hate life, no matter how much the people you care about seem to hate you, no matter how much you might be hurting… even if you’re out of your mind, screaming in pain…

You have the chance to take action.

You have the chance to make the choice, right now, to “do all you can do,” and try. You can shuffle the deck and roll the dice… you can take another card and hope for a better hand… you can even bluff, and maybe you’ll fail again.

But maybe you’ll win. And by “win,” i mean you might just find another enjoyable moment you’ll be glad you had.

Find anything you think you might want to do, and just do it… while you’re alive to decide that… because you can’t when you’re dead.

 

And isn’t “can’t” a huge part of the depression problem?

Isn’t so much of what most deeply troubles us all, either directly or indirectly connected to our limitations? Isn’t it “mostly” about perceiving the lack of access, or obstruction, to your most desired outcome?

 

I see so many people saying some of the same things i’ve also felt; some of the same things i’ve seen others go through; sometimes i read posts here, and elsewhere on the web, and think to myself “… is that you?”

I see certain phrases repeated… the one that comes to mind this time is “i just can’t.”

Well you know what?

Dead makes everything “can’t.” Dead makes everything “impossible.”

If you’re alive… then there’s something you “Can.”

You can experience, you can think, you can feel, you can decide, you can speak or write… you can Try.

 

I know it’s bleak out there, and especially inside.

But since you’re already alive, already in this mess, you might as well ride it out as long as you can, because once you stop, you’re done. Once you get off, you can’t get back on. Once you flip that switch, you can’t turn it back on again.

 

So yeah, maybe it sucks and the math doesn’t work and cessation of suffering is at best implausible, and at worst, absolute.

You might as well stick around, since you’ve already come this far, and just… try… do to something… anything you think you might want to do… because if you’re going to kill yourself anyway, you might as well burn out every last bit of your fuel, before you go. Try everything. Exhaust all your options.

 

Do all you can do. And when you think you’re out of things, change your angle, change your view. Change however much you can, of whatever you think is wrong with you.

Don’t take ‘no’ for an answer, and don’t take shit from anyone.

It’s your life, and it’s up to you to decide what’s worth effort… what’s worth suffering… what’s worth fighting and even maybe dying for.

 

And you know what? It’s okay to be angry! If ‘the world’ is being unfair, which it usually is to everyone, that’s not okay!

Tell them all: “FUCK YOU, this is MY DAY, and if you don’t like it, get out of MY WAY!”

Don’t be afraid of pain. Don’t be afraid to fail or fall.

Don’t be afraid to fully experience the human way.

Try all the things, taste all the flavors, do all the deeds, and don’t let anyone tell you you’re not allowed to be human.

Don’t let them convince you to block your own shot.

Let the wrongs and transgressions make you angry, as they rightfully should. Be sad if you have to be.

Take that emotional content and turn it into something good.

 

It’s gonna hurt, like it should, but if you’re willing to fight for it, you can make things better, at least for yourself.

You belong to You, and no one else. You are your own.

If someone doesn’t like what makes you feel good, tell them that’s too bad, and if they can’t deal, hit the road.

You can’t let other people decide for you.

 

Sitting around being fucking sad, isn’t “doing all you can do.” It’s being broken from trying to hang on to things that are bad for you.

Let it go. Keep only what you need.

 

There is no shining rainbow of happiness to behold.

But the sun still rises, even when it’s cold, and even when you can’t see it through the storm.

 

Life is hard and muddy and often not what you’ve been told.

 

You don’t have to be happy, you don’t have to fit in, you don’t have to be what anyone wants.

The universe owes us nothing, except an end.

Don’t fear feeling what you’ve been given. Soak it up, breath it in, drench yourself with it, lather it up and rub it in.

You only get this chance this once, to Live the life you have… the chance to experience humanity, first hand.

Learn to see the bullshit for what it is; fuck the dumbshit, don’t let it suck you in. It’ll chew you up, suck you dry, and spit the rest, and it’s unlikely to become whole again.

 

Do what you want, refuse to take part in things you don’t enjoy, unless you find a suitable compromise (like working for money to pay for things like rent/bills/food/internet).

 

There’s so much more i could say in this vein, but the point is made.

Don’t let society and its systems take your humanity.

Do the best you can with what you have, until you can’t.

 

It might not be much, it might not even be enough, but you might as well use what you have, while you can, before it’s gone.

 

And i sincerely hope that all of you can find a similar experience to how i feel… when i have a chance to savor a quiet moment with some cherished thoughts, amidst the storming at dawn. I know it might not seem like much, to some… but i’m glad i was here, to be there.