What does it take to find somebody in this world who actually cares about your situation and who actually works for your benefit? All I keep meeting is people who turn towards their darkside for any little petty stupid thing and people who have nothing but LIES. Here I am, Amphetimine addict who has just had a dealer I’ve known for over a decade stop serving me and blanking me completely just because HIS stuff  made me paranoid and I guess it tripped him out a bit, after all we havent all got brain conditions due to drugs.
I cant find anybody else who sells it and EVERYBODY I know who DOES know somebody hasnt got the good needed inside of them to just do me a small favour. Yes, I know, I probably shouldnt do it any more at all but the fact is I’ve hammered that drug so much that the damage is already done, Its not going to get any worse and tbh the damage it has done has pretty much become a part of me, That Drug IS a part of me. Its another side of me which I just cant get away from, I’m not sure I really want to. The fact the addiction is doubled up with a porn addiction at the same time LOL just makes it even more powerful.
Anyway, I was forced to text an old ‘friend’ who is probably the biggest liar and most untrustworthy person I’ve ever known. The only thing he’s got is decepion and lies BUT he’s also been a big user. So he phones me (for the chance of gettin something for his own good ofcourse) with the idea of an incredibly cheap ‘deal’ .. ‘sounds to good to be true’ I said, ‘I’ll have to sample it first’ ..’oh yeah yeah ofcourse mate’ he said. Then he phones me up 30 mins later ‘the guy who sells it is in foxall (a place near by) .. but what he meant is ‘fuck all’ .. yeah nice one MATE. Knew I wouldnt be ripped off easily so has to think he’s still got the upper hand by a neat little choice of words like that.
This isnt the only issue, All I see is people out there giving themselves and what ever ‘good’ they have to total fucking scumbags who DON’T deserve it. Fairly good singer = ‘oh you’re awesome’ .. Liar and a thief = ‘ I really love you’ .. The way I see it is this world is just shit going to shit, nothing good gets any credit, Only a small amount of people have the good needed to apprieciate something good, but hey aslong as they believe the opposite everythings ok isnt it.
I’ve got a neurologist who knows I’ve got a brain disorder of some sort, but apart from that he’s clueless, actually he’s my OLD neurolgist because my case has been dropped simply because they’re a bunch of pretenders who really know fuck all, but hey they ‘think’ they do so thats good enough for the government to keep throwing money in their bank accounts. Nice result really after I spent 3 years of my life having tests, yeah really worth it!
On top of that Ive been speaking to a ‘band’ for the last 3 months, well, rather I’VE been talking, they’ve just been spouting shit and empty promises. Fucking time wasters!
Rant over,
This world really is just full of shit.
18 comments
@Painman. I saw your opening line & got drawn in to read the rest. That’s a pretty heavy situation you describe. I dated this kid who did meth. I didn’t know it at the time, until it was too late, that is. Then he fcuked me over in hugely painful way. I’ve always wanted to ask another meth user if what the online forums say about the drug–that it completely takes control so that users will do anything for more drugs–is true. If it were true I could at least rationalize forgiving the kid who raped-me-with-a-knife-at-my-throat-stole-my-tuition-money from me. At least if it was a drug that took over his mind I could TRY to get some closure by thinking no one would actually do that to someone else who’d repeatedly cared for them.
Guess that’s my indirect answer to your question of what it takes to find someone who cares about your situation and your benefit. One way is to find a *****-chump like me who you can make your *****, then toss ’em in the trash when it’s good for you.
Are you from England?
If so, are you from the Midlands? Don’t answer that if you don’t want to.
@noonoo: Nah I’m from the south west, There ain’t that much heaven in devon lol
@lowa: I don’t think I’ve heard the phrase ‘*****-chump’ before! I think ‘meth’ is a bit different to base but its probably kind of similar. I think at the end of the day people have different levels of things that they can do and cant do, drugs might change you in a way and sometimes they might make you a little aggressive but I don’t think it would make you do something like that if there wasnt atleast a small side of you like that to begin with. The conscience doesnt fade.
Do you ever think about why you started down the road of addiction? I have been down that road and it was too numb pain that I couldn’t deal with and it was easier to get lost in my drug. Now the chains of addicion got a hold of you but to break free of them we need to understand why we ended up there in the first place. I don’t place too much faith in doctors and people that tell me negative stuff. I have belief and look to the light to keep me out of that darkness. I have been free of drug addiction and remember that I just got tired of losing things that meant a lot to me and I made choices that helped me get clear of them. Porn is another addiction and just as devastating because people just become objects that are used in the most degrading way. It just adds to the degradation of man. I had that addiction too and it is hard to stop that one because it is more accessible than drugs if you have the internet. I agree with your title about the world being full of it. It really does but that doesn’t mean we have to give into all of it. There are choices to be made. It can be so much better but you gotta make that choice on a day to day basis. Addictions can be broken and life can be better. Its your choice and it will be hard at first to break free but you can do this if you want to. Never give into thinking that your lot in life is made and you can’t change it. That is the biggest lie right there even bigger than the lies your friends are telling you. Its all about choice on a day to day basis. Giving up is easy but you are still here. Your struggles can strengthen you to the point where you are able to give to other people and help them.
@Painman
It’s not as bad as where I’m from. But Devon is pretty shit – no offense.
@noonoo: Yeah, its not the best. Currently working on a ‘plan’ to get out of this place but its not easy when you keep coming across people like I described above. never a jewell in a land of shit!
@mini: My drug tale just like my life tale has been through many twists. The reasons I started drugs for are not the reasons I do them now. I havent lost anything through doing drugs, maybe my life once or twice yes and maybe a little bit of quality of life, which pretty much erases the ‘havent lost anything’ statement lol but I’m not looking to give up, I’ve given up many times and once for about a year, but only with the help of a substitute (ie: herbal highs)and EVERY time I end up back because the heart of me craves for it. I do and become like a different person, things that I just can’t really go without for a very long time. I crave for the rushes and ‘cheap thrills’ lol if you like so much that I pretty much plan and build part of my life around it. I’m not the kind of person who is cut out for a ‘normal’ life without big highs and I’ve had too many of them to live a life without. Also, I don’t believe that porn is really truly degrading, it all comes down to how you see it , there is beauty in everything and it depends if you see the beauty side or the ugly side that really matters… Its not what it is its how you see it.
@Painman
From what I hear, Birmingham is supposed to be proper good for amphetamines. Not that I recommend you go there – because that’s a shit hole too.
By the way – why did you start?
@noonoo: Long story really, my first drugs were 3 pills (when they were good) on my 18th birthday party, started using them initially in my clubing days as I found the best part of me came out and I liked who I became and the feelings of power. I guess my base addiction started really about a decade ago when it raised my labido and I started doing pretty crazy sexual things lol sometimes in public (now that IS a buzz!).. then it started progressing, ‘must get more high, must get more high’ until I’d passed what was probably considered ‘normal’. That side of me kinda chases me if you like and is a sort of ‘dark shadow’ that is always behind me and also infront. The trouble is though it has a down side (everything does) and amphetimine is known for causing anxiety, Mine is pretty severe which means my life is partially and mostly controlled all the time by drugs – without them I have the anxiety which limits my functionability and so dampens down my quality of life, which basically means I crave for the escape the drugs bring even more.
I’ve never been to birmingham, I take it thats where you’re from? I think amphetimine can be pretty good most places, the thing is knowing the right people. All the ‘right’ people I know have either turned out to be not so right after all or just doing disapeaing acts .. leaving me with just a bunch of dodgy fuckers!
“All the ‘right’ people I know have either turned out to be not so right after all or just doing disappearing acts… leaving me with just a bunch of dodgy fuckers!” Gold! Love it!
Pain, you said earlier that drugs don’t make people do things they otherwise wouldn’t. So you mean you wouldn’t hurt someone while on drugs if off the drugs you couldn’t seriously entertain the thought to hurt them?
Yeah I think thats pretty much it. People have there own unique level of ‘goodness’ and that goodness is the thing that stops or limits how much you hurt someone, drugs can have big effects as I know but in my eyes it doesnt change that.
@Painman
I think most people’s initial experience (if they were the ones who were choosing to do it optionally) was somewhat like yours. A time of self-discovery and all that bollocks. I had a similar thing to that, but mine was with ketamine. I’d actually prefer if I was still taking it, it’d give me a better excuse for wanting to off myself. Are you taking anything else for the anxiety?
Nah I’m not from Birmingham. Near though, Wolves.
What I mean by it being a good place for amphetamines is that they quite obviously sell it and there are shit tons of sellers. You’d only have to ask around for a bit and you’d get seen to. A guy I know bought it the first time like that.
@Pain: Thanks, Pain. That’s not what I was hoping to hear, but if it’s the truth, then it’s what I needed to hear. I’ll just have to deal with what you’ve taught me…
Yeah I think these drug ‘specialists’ on forums and stuff see a few bad acts by a bunch of smack heads or whatever and assume its the drugs and addictions ONLY that cause these bad acts to be done. I am pretty much crawling the walls (if thats the phrase) and I aint fucking anyone over, even when I’m on drugs I’m not fucking anyone over. People fall to there own levels due to there own levels, nothing else.
@Pain: I wish I’d known you back in December…
@noonoo: only just seen that message! I think some times the ‘moderation’ must hold up the posting or something! I’m not taking anything for anxiety no, even though they know I apparently have what scores as ‘severe anxiety’ the only drugs for it are drugs they dont wanna give I think so I just have to live with it. Sometimes (and this has been going on for years) when I am drifting off to sleep or something My heart suddenly out of nowhere jumps, like heart in the mouth (if thats the phrase) .. like a sudden attack of terror for no apparent reason. They wont give me anything though.
@lowa: this is obviously something that happened recently then? I take it this guy was playing innocent or something? We all make mistakes, true, but you dont turn from a good person to a bad one just because of drugs, it just gives you more reason for the bad side of you to be activated imo.
@Painman
That sounds like an anxiety attack. What do you do when that happens?
@noonoo: Not alot really! I think I’ve just learnt to live with it, along with the big ball of nerves that seems to live in my chest sometimes. Its not right, I know its not right, but what can you do? I might actually look for something herbal, from holland and barret or something for nerves and anxiety.
@Painman
You might want to try running cool water over your wrists. My dad has anxiety attacks a lot. It helps. It slows your heart rate to a normal level.
Holland and Barrett actually has quite a few remedies for it. Don’t know if they work.