Someday your kids will probably learn to appreciate that you were “being strong for them,” even if they see through the masks, and don’t understand now.

I’m already past the point of hiding it. I can’t, and i know i can’t. So… i guess that’s part of the reason i distance myself from everyone but the few people who have to be close enough to see it.

I think for me, wanting to share it isn’t so much about whether i think anyone understands, but more about finding someone who has a similar perspective, or has experienced similar things, so that there can even begin to be a fundamental common ground, without which i can’t seem to form any lasting connections to anyone.

Basically, “we” have to have pain in common, or “you” won’t even be able to understand me… but i will be able to understand that those who haven’t experienced such suffering, will almost certainly find me unappealing or even frightening in some way.

People have called me “negative,” unjustly, so many times, throughout my life… but if i was “negative,” i would already be dead. The fact that i’m alive at this moment is a testament to my efforts to see bright sides and silver linings… which is something “negative” people don’t do.

But yeah, sometimes i’m negative as shit, because i get tired of being accused of what i will surely become, if that’s what everyone is so sure that i must be.

To everyone else, i am whatever you think i am. But i’m probably not what anyone else thinks i am, to myself.

Who knows me better, me, or everyone else?

I think i know me best. I’ve been me my whole life. I’m pretty sure i’m the only one qualified to judge whatever “me” really is. 😛