Imagine this if you will. You’re transgender. You grew up in a poor, abusive household where you lived in constant terror and stress. Your parent-captors told you if you didn’t tell CPS they would pay for you to go to school, but they meant the terrible community college in the neighborhood. You are disabled mentally and physically. You have chronic pain from fibromyalgia and a back injury, and migraines constantly. You’re completely broke because no one wants to hire a young transsexual much less one that’s disabled and doesn’t even have a degree yet because you were homeschooled by incompetent idiots and completely fail at doing school now. In fact, it took you over five years to almost get your AA but then you failed algebra and your life because you are worthless and stupid.
You moved out at the age of eighteen because you were tired of being bruised emotionally and physically by your family. You become a writer and make a little money. Not enough to survive on though, only enough to stuff your face with cheap food while you beg your hateful parents for financial help. They oblige but they yell at you constantly about how you’re draining all their finances. You ask them what you should do. You apply for jobs all the time, there’s nothing you can do. They don’t answer. They know what they wish you would do, and what’s you wish you would do too.
Every romantic partner you’ve ever had? They act so nice at first, don’t they? Of course, in the end, they all turn out like your parents. They see the haunted look in your eyes and know that you are simply delicious to hurt. They will try their hardest to break you further, sexually and mentally before they throw you out in search of the next one. You will never trust anyone. You have good reason not to. No one has ever been nice to you without ulterior motive, right?
You make friends for a moment but as soon as they see just how deep the hole you are in is, they leave. They want fun, uncomplicated people. Nobody wants you. You’re no fun to be around and you never have the money or energy to go out anyway.
You have one talent. You can sing like an angel, and everyone who hears it falls for you, just for the time it takes for that one song to end. You wish with all your heart you could make it out alive and sing for everyone who feels the same pain as you and let them know that you understand. Of course, this is impossible in your state and the packaging the voice comes in isn’t exactly pleasant to look at now is it?
The only thing you love is music. It can’t hurt you. You drag yourself to concerts, vomiting in trash cans from the anxiety of it all but the people onstage know what it feels like to hurt.
You can’t live in one eternal concert though. You can’t live at all. And I am so sorry, because the world needs stories of hope but no one should expect you to be one anyway.
That was my life you lived as you read. Thank you for your time that I wasted here. I’ve tried to die so many times but I even fail at dying unsurprisingly. I wish there was an exit door I could find that I know I would succeed with for sure.
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8 comments
Do you play an instrument too?
A few, somewhat adequately. I wanted to go to a real school and be a music therapist for a while.
I’m “musically gifted,” and have had seemingly similar experiences.
Change ‘transgendered’ to “straight male, not remarkably endowed,” and change “moved out at 18” to “kicked out / abandoned at 18,” and then change “music can’t hurt you,” to “music becomes one of your worst triggers, so you even avoid that too, despite it previously being considered your ‘ace in the hole,’ and being the last thing you felt truly connected with in this world…” and i wasn’t home-schooled, but my “parents” were certainly idiots (not my real dad, he’s a lot like me, but had virtually zero ‘say’ in the way my life transpired).
I can certainly relate.
Oh, and i excelled at algebra.
I think a lot of people now are in a similar boat unfortunately. We were all lied to about what we should do for a good life and what it would look like if we just put up with a ton of crap for a while. So at least I don’t feel alone but, dammit, I wish I was just so other people didn’t have to suffer too you know?
Yep. Sometimes i think “knowing i’m not alone in this” might actually make it worse, because it would mean that lots of other people are as miserable as i am, for many of the same reasons. Knowing everyone else is also suffering, does not make me feel better. I’m not really sure why so many seem to think it should.
Yeah, I agree. Though at the same time it gives me some insane hope that eventually everyone who got screwed over will stand up and change the system so no one can put other people through what we went and continue to go through, but… I literally don’t even know how that would be possible.
People being screwed over is a required prerequisite of changing the system. It people weren’t getting screwed over, the system wouldn’t need changing.
I will say that it is technically possible, though i think it is highly unlikely to actually successfully occur. It would have to reach a unified, organized, critical mass, who would then have to refuse to quit until they get their way. Possible, but unlikely, i think. There is too much complacency and dependence-by-design, for people to risk breaking out of their comfort zones… even if they are completely miserable.
But who knows. It could happen. Maybe it will, someday.