death is my only salvation

i have always had depression.  my mother and father never gave me the time of day. when ever i wanted to talk to them they would ignore me and talk about something they wanted. i went goth by the 3rd grade and by the 4th grade all of the people i thought were my friends left me i was all alone. i was bullied non stop 3 years in a row later . i was assaulted, harassed, and almost attacked once. my family is probably the number one source that caused everything.  they always blame me for everything, never listen and treat me like crap. i feel trapped in my house. i can never do any thing. my mom won’t let me walk to my neighbors house, my friends always have to come over to my house, i can never go any where! by 5 grade i beg an cutting myself intentionally on my legs so it looks like a shaving accident so my mom wont give me crap. by the 6 grade i met a nice person named chris and he made me feel happy. we were friends but however during the summer he decided to stop being my friend. i was devastated cuz he was my first good friend in a very long time. he ended up being my friend again and by November  he fell in love with me. i felt the same way so we started dating. he told me that he ways moving and he had no hope of us. i was pissed and we broke up.  we sorted things out but then we broke up again because apparently i like him more then he likes me. i spent a week in pain and agony  then i wanted revenge and i swear to god i went insane. i couldn’t take the pain any more. i started hearing voices. voices that constantly criticize me and tell me to destroy others. so thats what i did i told the world how much of an asss he was and made out with his best friend.yet never going a day with out feeling regret. i still love him. we talked again and he made me feel like a princess. i was feeling to much pain and agony that i turned to alcoholism to help me forget. cuz thats what i wanna do forget. i love him but we cant be. he made my depression worsen and my family wouldn’t help. im gonna burn in hell but i dont care. i cant take it any more. i want it all to end!!! any thing is better the how it is now!