Today was nothing special, the usual boring, stressful mess at work. However, it’s still the day that finally broke me down, though I’m not sure why. For roughly three years now, not a day has passed that I haven’t thought about death, but getting home today, I knew I couldn’t stand one more day of hating what I saw in the mirror.
I’m just drained mentally, and numb emotionally. I don’t live for myself, but exist from day to pointless day. Each day is just dull maintenance of my basic needs. I find no pleasure in life, nor is there anything I want out of it: no possessions, amount of money, relationships, or experiences. They’re all temporary anyway; rapidly we’re all becoming frail and wrinkled. I’d rather save myself the arthritis.
The tallest building in town is called the 1 South Church Building. Tomorrow I plan to take a bus downtown, and jump from one of the observation decks near the skyscraper’s roof. I’m quite alone. The only people who might get hurt in any sense of the word, is if I land on someone. (This is unlikely, I have walked that street many times, and foot traffic is light.)
8 comments
I’m sorry you feel you have to do this. I’m actually brainstorming a good place to take a nosedive off of in my city. I’m not sure if there’s any buildings tall enough to properly kill myself with though..
How would you make it to the top of that building without actually working there?
It is interesting that when we reach the end of our rope that sometimes we get a sign from God that he is there. Look at the name of the street the building is on you have chosen to jump from. No. 1 and has Church in it and so fitting that when our lives go south that he is right there if we only humble ourselves and ask him for help. There was a story a couple of weeks ago about a man in South Korea that jumped to his death off a high rise and landed on a 5 year old girl. Google it. His decision to end it also ended an innocent one’s life. I am just responding with my thoughts to your post as I feel you are reaching out otherwise you would have just not posted and done this plan. You are so right in that our lives are temporary and we will take nothing with us. You and I have reached a point in our lives where we have the same idea in some areas where possessions and money mean very little. I divorced after 20 years and lost our home and a great deal of possessions last year. I found another woman and pursued her as was my wife pursuing another man. She and I both remarried soon after our divorce and my new bride turned out to be the biggest mistake ever. She lied to me about so many things and since it was a long distance relationship it was easy to do and I was vulnerable at the time after my ex chose another man over me again. Not the first time. In the process our kids got hurt and it was a nightmare. My second marriage got annuled after a few months as I won’t live with an angry woman that lies to me and has no respect for me so now I am at a point to be content to be alone. But where our difference is that the main relationship I am concentrating on is the one with my heavenly Father. It is only through him that I can stay above ground after all the struggle I have gone through. So much suffering and I just told you a glimpse of the latest. Having a relationship with God does lighten our darkest paths and when we are so tired of it all, he is right there if we but humble ourselves and seek him with all our hearts. Will I always feel the way I do about relationships with women? Only time will tell but I do need to heal from the last two because betrayal hurts deep. I am just responding to your post because this moment in time could be your epiphany moment or your end. I beleive that each of us has a purpose on this earth if only we humble ourselves and look to the one who has the answers for our lives. He has to come first in our lives and we have to become less and less as each day passes. That has been my biggest mistake in my walk of faith is not wanting to let go of my selfishness. But my choices haven’t worked out so well and I am tired of getting beat down. I still struggle but now I can smile and give an encouraging word to someone. I actually enjoy getting up in the morning because that is my time to be with him. The very first part of my day and it sets the stage for the rest of the day.
@MiniWiconi7- Paragraphs, my friend.. And stop with the God crap.
What’s interesting is that people get these “signs” which are actually from within themselves, and then insist on interpreting it as something external, something they call “God.”
It’s really just the spontaneous correlation of often passively accumulated information, suddenly coming together to make sense, which makes potential solutions obvious, and complicated things more clear.
Usually that’s just called “learning,” but sometimes it’s accompanied by a release of endorphins, and that results in what some call an “epiphany.”
Simply allowing nature to take its course, often has this result.
We naturally want to live, to thrive, to flourish, to overcome challenges and surmount obstacles… we naturally want to learn and understand and develop.
The dynamic interaction between nature and nurture can be a beautiful thing.
Would it be a sign if i was having a bad day and found a strip club on a street named happy st. with a special that day where i get a strip show from a girl named hope? Nah just fuckin random. Motha truckas i tell you. The man in south korea landing on a 5 year old is horrible. If you jump make sure the landing zone is clear of any innocent sentient creatures
I think Changsha wrote that (s)he intends to jump from the observation deck. On Wikipedia I was reading about the “most beautiful suicide.”
Allegedly most jumpers from the Empire State Building don’t reach the street, that splat on one of the shoulders. Great post thanks for sharing a part of your story Changsha and God bless you.
No relationships with God does nothing
Oh and when you’re committing suicide, nobody else matters either since you’ll be dead in seconds anyway.