It kills my, it eats me up inside knowing that no matter what I do will ever be good enough for anyone. I let people control me and I do what they want me to do so they’re happy and it’s still not good enough. I’m still not doing it the right way or their way. I hate that I’m such a fuck up I can’t stand it. I’ve already tried killing myself before and my mom ran in on me and rushed me to the hospital. I couldn’t even do that right. I just wanna curl up and never come out of my room. They’ve made me hate myself. I use to be a beautiful person and now I don’t even know who I am anymore.
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SOMEONE understands you and what you do and who you are and what you are doing. I feel like a fuck up too…except I really am a fuck up. I threw a 100k career away inside a bottle. And the money wasn’t the thing I would have worked for nothing. People say that but it is true I loved helping and being with people and making a difference in their lives. I know the curling up feeling, when I wake up I take more pills to sleep most of the day away. That’s all I do, sleep as much as I can and wait for the night to come around so I can take my night meds and go to sleep again. Maybe none of this helps you, but I want to tell that I do understand. I truly do.
Thank you. It’s really nice having the feeling that someone out there understands.
That’s all I do is sleep. Sleeping takes the pain away. We sound a lot a like. My mom’s perfect and she hates that I’d rather be poor helping people then be rich like her and her family. All I ever wanna do is help people. I spend my weekends at special Olympics helping ese children and go to the SPCA two times a week and just play with the animals forever. I use to think I was a great person but now I don’t know anymore because no matter what I feel like is right she keeps telling me I’m wrong. She confuses me and makes me second guess myself and no one should ever make me second guess myself. I just wanna not feel anymore 🙁
I know that feeling ….of NOT wanting to feel. which is a tragedy for people like us who need to feel all the good in people, animals, the earth, EVERYTHING. We are passionate people and that is what is what drives us. I agree with you about the money. Screw it!! I’ve had it and it made me miserable. I have done things that a lot of people would envy yet here I am sharing the same feelings with you…..these bad feelings don’t discriminate. We both are in the same place. You should do what you feel is right for you to do in this world and absolutely no should or can make you do any different.