Feeling better

I resolved today to kill myself by August 22nd. First I fired my therapist. I had been seeing her for four years, but don’t feel any better. Next I found the family shotgun and started researching how to load it and where I can go to practice. Next I researched ******** bag deaths and put together a list of what I need to do learn how to do that. I wrote a list of practical things that will need to be done after my death (where my birth certificate it, where my bank account is, etc.).

I have been chronically depressed and anxious for almost 30 years. I have been on every class of psychotropic drug with minimal results. I have tried CBT, EMT, regular therapy, running, meditating, prayer, crying, and nothing works. I first tried to kill myself at age 9 by taking all of my mother’s demerol. She had a prescription because she had a bunch of teeth pulled. I was so disappointed when I woke up. I tried again ten years ago, was in lock down for ten days. Nothing ever helps. My birthday is tomorrow, and to celebrate I am letting myself find truly final ways to exit. No more birthdays. No more loneliness. No more me.