So, I couldn’t access this website for like a week so I started a blog Â theventingspace.blog.com . Self harm is a pretty common thing for people with Borderline Personality Disorder. I started cutting in February of 2012, I was self harming in different ways before that but nothing that was visible. I took laxatives, I had unhealthy relationships, I drank too much, and going wayyyy back to my early childhood( the only other time it was visible) I pulled out all my eyelashes and eyebrows and blamed it on an episode of Punky Brewster. Â Now why would someone start cutting so late in life? I mean by 26 youâ€™re supposed to have your life together and be able to handle stress. Well, I couldnâ€™t. I was going through a pretty major breakdown, I couldnâ€™t leave my dorm room without having a panic attack, or go to classes. So I did the only thing I could think of to let the pain and panic out using what I had available to meâ€¦my wood carving tools. When I did it, made that first slice into the previously unmarred skin of my wrist, it was a relief. All I felt was, nothing. Beautiful nothing! No pain, no panic, nothing could hurt me in that moment. Afterwards I was terrified, did cutting myself make me suicidal or attention hungry?? I cut for about a week, each time going a little bit deeper, until I scared myself so badly that I felt I needed to be home. Coming home didnâ€™t make me want to stop though. I just needed that outlet, the feeling of peace and control that came with it. It was addictive and I was an addict.
In April, I was having a really bad day. The kind of day where you just can feel that youâ€™ll do something bad to yourself if someone doesnâ€™t help. My dad took me to the Dr. and the Dr. wanted me to promise I wouldnâ€™t hurt myself. Iâ€™m not a liar and thatâ€™s just something I couldnâ€™t do. So they made me go to the mental hospital. Let me tell you, that place was the most terrifying places Iâ€™ve ever been to. If at all possible never send your family to Green Oaks in Texas. The Dr. there could tell right off the bat that, that wasnâ€™t the place for me and I only stayed for 2 days. I didnâ€™t learn anything and I didnâ€™t get any real help. The first thing I did when I got home was cut, this time it was my thighs. Shortly after that I met my therapist Carmen, she and my other Dr. both made me promise not to cut myself anymore and I agreed (mostly because I didnâ€™t want to go back to Green Oaks). Itâ€™s been a little over a year now and I havenâ€™t cut. But I crave it, sometimes Iâ€™ll pass a display of blades and Iâ€™ll think how good it would feel. I made a promise though and even more than just that I know what a slippery slope self harm can be. I was pinning(Pinterest for those of you not in the know) recently and I came across this articleÂ http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201301/coping-self-harmÂ it had a really great way to cope with cutting. Instead of cutting yourself, draw a line and then at the end of the day add them up to show how strong you are. Carmen is always telling me that I need victories to show myself that Iâ€™m making progress. A victory is a reminder that I made it through the day, that Iâ€™m still here. I guess if Carmen thinks I need them, then there are definitely others out there who do as well. Letâ€™s make our reminders victories and not scars!
I hope yaâ€™ll enjoyed the read.
Lots of love,