I have been living with the thought of suicide almost four years.I can’t be fixed,my past and my present can’t be fixed.Since kindergarten i wasn’t normal!The kids hated me because i didn’t speak ..i think.I was bullied in school,but i don’t want to talk about that.I think i have extreme social anxiety disorder.When i was little i didn’t understand how different i was.I was thinking that i deserve to treat me like less of human.Now i am going to be 12 grade and i think it’s time to go. I don’t want my parent’s to spent money for lessons for someone who have no future.Now is time to study and think about my future and that depressed me even more.I want just to die..i want this so much.I think if i am going to die this is the right moment.But i feel so guilty towards my parents ,because they have always been such i great parents and i now they love me .I don’t want to hurt them.I wish there was а way to die without hurt anyone.Is it a good idea to write them a letter before i die or it would be more painful?I am visiting this site very often,because i fell more normal here.My English is bad and i am sorry for that.I don’t know way am writhing this,i never talk about my emotions and i know that no one can help me.I am doomed!
3 comments
Hi Elena I’m sorry that you have been suffering since you were a child. Our adolescence is a very weird part of our life. This is when we go through many difficult experiences that can be mentally traumatic for someone so young. Yet, this is the period when we are the most helpless and least capable of changing our situation mentally and physically.
Please give yourself at least a few more years. Our 20’s is usually the years where we mold ourselves to what we will become. You may see that you are able to overcome your social anxiety. Or you may find people who accept you for who you are and can understand what you’re going through. It sounds like you love your parents very much and vise-verse so give yourself some more time at least for their sake.
Imagine the sadness, emptiness and hurt you feel. That is what you will pass onto them if you kill yourself. So just try, at least for a bit longer and see if your situation will improve. By the way I have done a lot of research and one of the biggest pains loved ones feel are from questions as to why someone would do this. They would already be devastated by your suicide but leaving no note would just take their pain to another level. The best thing you can do is talk to them and tell them how you feel. Maybe they can help you and figure out some solutions you never thought of.
I also say “give yourself at least a few more years”. Why do you think that you have no future? I don’t mean to sound overly optimistic, but yeah, who knows whats waiting for you there. Maybe, just maybe, there’s something that’ll make up for all those bad years of your life.
I can relate to everything you wrote. I most likely even live in the same country as you do. I skipped kindergarten, dropped out of school and I’m so glad I did it. People are idiots, don’t take them seriously. Try not to think about parents, think about you, what you really want to do in life, and use your parents’ help to your advantage.
Your English is not bad, don’t worry about it.
Again, “give yourself at least a few more years”. You may get stronger in dealing with your past, like I did.