22 and Scared

I am a 22 year-old college student (female) who has had suicidal and depressive tendencies since high school. I come from a middle-class family of four, with a severely handicapped sister. My mother has always yelled at me for the most menial things (organization, putting things away, forgetting things, etc), and has called me “a piece of shit”, “jackass”, “asshole”, “heartless”, “twat”, “un-Christian” (I’m Agnostic but I’m afraid to tell her that), to the point where she blows up and hurts me both physically and emotionally. As I have gotten older, it has gotten worse to the point where I am now starting to get violent urges towards both of my parents, and I don’t want that. I call my mother names under my breath and depict what I would physically do to her in my head. This is all starting to scare me and I have absolutely nobody to turn to. I also have survivor’s guilt and feel as if my parents have me (a “normal” able-bodied person) who has failed herself and them in many aspects of life. Other issues such as my constant struggle with weight, severe insecurity, forgetfulness, fear of eating in public, hair-twirling, and so on have affected me a lot for many years. I cry myself to sleep some nights because I have lost all hope in finding solace in people. I have never been romantically involved with anyone and feel as if I will never make that certain emotional and/or sexual attraction, due to my major social anxiety and other things. I also have a minor fear in men due to occasional nightmares of men beating me up. For the past two years or so, I have resorted to locking myself in the basement and calling suicide hotlines and/or cutting my inner thighs to relieve myself. The suicide hotlines never help me and I always end up hanging up in the middle of the conversation since they seem so pointless now. I have stopped seeing my psychologist two and a half years ago, since my mom decided I was getting nowhere with it and she didn’t want to pay for the sessions anymore (even though we were mostly covered by health insurance). My campus’ psychological services are of little to no help and at this point, I feel as if I was never meant to get help and will eventually die by my own hand.