Bitching and Moaning

Hello! I’ve decided to use this site to blow off steam, to get some weight off of my chest so to speak. Everything I post I am positive you have heard it all before so feel free to skim over it and move on. I just need somewhere to ***** and moan as the title suggests.

The cancerous bastard that is depression didn’t fully hit me until the day of my 19th birthday (I’m 21 now), though I know that I felt pangs of it before that. You could contribute it to teenage hormones and what not but in High School I was not the happiest person. Compared to now however, it seemed like I was euphoric! I’ve always had self-esteem issues and to make it short, I suppose it all clawing out of me at once like some caged beast. I became 19 and in my college dorm room I became flooded with melancholy and cried myself to sleep that night, and many subsequent nights following. It became apparent to me, even more so than before, that I hate myself. I hate my looks, my personality, everything. I hated the fact I had no direction in life and still don’t really. On top of that, I had and never had a significant other in my life. I’ve never had a girlfriend, or had been kissed, or had sex and that contributes to my self-hatred. To make matters more pathetic, the only time someone had had mutual feelings for me, was an internet “pen-pal” in another state. We were both in bad places at the time so that was probably why that happened. But we both realized that was unrealistic, but I still deeply hated myself for being so stupid to “fall” for someone I didn’t know tangibly. I think that was the final nail in the coffin. At age 19 I tried to kill myself after my second college semester ended.

I had returned home for the summer and tried to hang myself in the closet with a guitar cable. Of course my dumb ass didn’t make it high enough so I failed. I tried again a few days later, but to no avail again. So I decided to suffer with it. It got progressively worse, I almost became crippled with it in the sense that I did not leave my bed at all some days and would just sit there and await the next crying spell. I finally got up the courage to ask for help and saw a doctor. Unfortunately this was just a family practice doctor instead of a psychiatric professional, so all he did was prescribe me Lexapro. It helped for while, made me seem more upbeat. It didn’t help with my self esteem issues of course, but for the most part it made me forget they were there. I took a year off from college to make sure I didn’t have another relapse. Sure enough I did during my previous employment at a pharmacy, where the pharmacist recommended I try cymbalta or something. I did, starting at 30mg than 60mg and eventually added buproprion 150mg to it because my brain became resistant. I had good days and bad after that but mostly pleasant ones.

This year I returned to school, got my own place and am beginning to start a new job. A new beginning away from a small shithole town that may have contributed to my depression, right? Wrong. The medication only helps briefly when I take it but the overbearing feelings of loneliness and self loathing have begun to grow again. I hate living with myself and I really want to kill myself, but I can’t because I don’t want to upset my mother. How nice, huh? So for now I just suffer with it and take it day by day. I am better than I was when I was 19, but it still hurts like hell.

Here is a brief summary if you made it this far.

• I hate myself
• I hate my looks. People tell me I’m not ugly and they may be right. But I can’t seem to get over the notion that I am very unattractive. I hate looking in the mirror or hearing my voice. I’ve had days where I just don’t want leave the room because I don’t want to be seen.
• I hate my personality. I feel my weird, dark, irreverent humor may make me seem creepy.
• I hate my body but that goes along with the looks thing doesn’t it?
• I don’t have any friends in this new place. I am a loner for the most part but there is only so much I can take. It’s hard for me to make friends without being “forced” into it (i.e. co-workers, etc)
• I have never had a girlfriend, been kissed, had sex, etc and I am 21. Some say that’s not a big deal, some say it is. It’s a fact of my life that hurts me a lot. I’m not necessarily shy (not as much anymore that is) around women, but the opportunity has never been right or I have been ejected or have fallen for someone I can’t have. Since I’m 21 I feel it’s kind “over” and pointless now because who the hell wants someone inexperienced in everything?
• I don’t know what to do with my life as far as an actual career. A lot of people my age are in the same boat, but this gives me the dread premonition of being stuck for the rest of my life.

That’s it in a nut shell. I just need to ***** and moan like I said so I don’t expect any of you to reply or anything, since this is all stuff you’ve heard before. It feels kind of good to get some of the weight off my chest, even if it is to a bunch of strangers. Haha.