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falling from high places

by cyanidesofmarch

I didn’t realize until I typed the title that it can be taken literally or figuratively. I meant it figuratively, but now that I think about it, it’s pretty fitting that I would take a swandive off the ******* bridge.

I wouldn’t say I had it all, but I had a lot. I never took it for granted, but it still hurts just as much to lose it. Someone once said if you lose everything you should be able to get it back, and if you can’t then you never deserved it in the first place. I used to think that was more or less true, but not now. The problem is we exhaust ourselves. Or some of us have a physical aversion to repeating the same thing. Say you built a magnificent castle with your own hands, it takes you 20 years to complete, and then a freak earthquake swallows it whole. How many of us would get right to work building a new one?

Sometimes it’s easier to accept the end than to accept a new beginning. I had a great life for a while. I had a horrible life after that. I’ve experienced some of the greatest joys and the worst miseries that a human can feel. In the end I conclude that it wasn’t worth it.


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RT30 8/12/2013 - 3:10 pm

Missing word…. Golden Gate?

clevername 8/12/2013 - 4:16 pm

missing word, seven letters, probably starts with ‘F’ and ends with ‘g.’

Getting back what you lost, as a rule, sounds quite absurd to me.

I prefer this: “you only get what you can take, and you only keep what you can protect.”

If you take more than you can protect, you’ll probably end up losing it. It will be easy for someone or something else to take it from you, if you can’t protect it.

Ends are accepted; beginnings are created. (except, apparently, in the case of the origin of the universe… though i suppose some non-sentient force or event could have “created” that…)

cyanidesofmarch 8/13/2013 - 12:27 am

Ha I wish I could make it to the Golden Gate. No, the missing word is an obscure place on the east coast with a population of about 1000, hence the stupid reason for secrecy.

CN, good point about losing things you can’t protect. Yes, a lot of what I lost was plain luxury. But I’ve also lost loved ones, my health and my faith in the world. Well actually the same saying can still apply sorta…

I dunno. The pills are eating away my brain. which is another thing I don’t need

PainNlife 8/13/2013 - 12:38 am

I lost everything I had I couldn’t even protect a little bit. Dignity, self respect, self esteem, my spirit, credit, jobs, reputation, character, friends, material assets, self love, relationships, potential just everything. I have nothing fucking left in the damn gas tank. Some things you need to hold onto for dear life and I’ve lost those very things. I think when you lose certain things they ruin you. Maybe not the financial things so much but the self related things.

Persephone 8/13/2013 - 1:12 am

@PainNlife Very true. When one finds that their preconceived notions of their own self-worth and abilities are false, it truly can destroy a person. Formerly believing that one has skills and useful abilities and is likeable, and then realizing one isn’t as skilled as one thought and is unimportant to those in one’s life. And having ill health and physical limitations on top of that also can easily bring one to despair.

My question is – should we soldier on, but with diminished expectations in ourselves and others? If we do not, well… I suppose we’ll be in misery forever. And if I have to live, I would rather not be miserable. But this would require trying, and the trouble is that I don’t know if anything is WORTH the attempt. In this, you all seem to echo my sentiments…

PainNlife 8/13/2013 - 1:39 am

We could soldier on and force ourselves to live. My thing is…..what is the motivation? what is the reward? and what is to say things won’t get worse? I just feel like a big risk for unclear results is unnecessary. Much like if a bank is unable to determine if your credit worthiness they deny you the loan. They could take a big risk on you and you pay it back but they know bullshit is very common so they don’t take a risk on bullshit. I don’t want to risk living for another few years only to realize my prediction was correct and find myself in a dramatically worse state than I’m in now. Right now my mom is letting me live here rent free with no contributions and I know this can’t go on forever. What if next year she says “you gotta go” regardless of my mental condition?….I will hate myself even more for not listening to myself when I knew that I could have been at peace a long time ago. This town is small and I refuse to let people make a laughing stock of me in my despair. Whose to say an old classmate or enemy won’t see me and decide to take pictures of me on the street digging through trashcans and post it on FB? people here are like that. Hell not even an enemy an old friend would do it just cause they find it humiliating and funny. One can’t “win” without trying but is the pursuit of the win worth the devastation and consequences of the “loss”? or is it more reasonable and logical to just simply wave the white flag?

Persephone 8/13/2013 - 1:56 am

I’ve tried to ‘wave the white flag,’ many times, and I’m still here. I don’t particularly want to attempt death anymore knowing I’ll probably still be unsuccessful. I am unsuccessful at most of what I try to accomplish, so I guess it makes sense.

Because of my weakening muscles, I may one day lose the ability to walk or move any limbs at all, which will mean I would have to totally rely on others to care for me. That is a thought I cannot deal with. If it gets to that point, I will have to kill myself. I CANNOT have others control what I do. I feel weak enough as it is, having to rely on my family for housing, food, and transportation (when for a couple years previously I had been managing all of this on my own). I need control of my life, I need to get out of this deadened town. But I cannot achieve that without money. Money is my greatest hindrance. Apparently I’m not the type of person who’s a ‘quality hire,’ though. I don’t know anymore. I do know that no matter where I am, I will be a loner. That’s a given. No one understands me IRL, and I wouldn’t expect them to.

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