I don’t really know what else i can do anymore. Cameron died almost exactly a year ago (September 8 2013) and I am STILL not over it. I’ve gone to all the groups, I’ve been hospitalized for PTSD, I’ve got a new boyfriend who treats me like gold, I go out, I don’t talk about it all the time anymore. What else can I do to make it feel better.
The thing you have to know is Cameron and I were very much in love but he was sick. He was always threatening suicide and I always gave in because of the fear. The one day i stood my ground and stayed at work, he left. Not 2 hours after i’d come home to check on him he was gone.
I walk into our room and there he is, surround by himself. Red covers everything. What in the hell is this? Our puppy Scout is barking in his kennel next to him. I think this isn’t a very funny joke. Why isn’t he turning to greet me? Why can’t i speak? Then it hits me, it’s not a joke. Can a gun really do that? I don’t recognize this person.
RUN. GET HELP. My friends are waiting in the driveway ready to go back to work from lunch and they see me. I’m screaming. SEAN! He’s dead! He shot himself! I make one go inside to make sure even though i know what’s in there. I know he’s really gone. I make them tell me he is anyways. I need to hear someone say it. Who do i call? 911? No. MOMMY DADDY. They cant understand me I’m crying too hard and screaming too loud. They’re on the way. I wait.
Ambulance is here. Don’t bother going in there theres nothing you can do. Call the coroner. Working in the funeral business has rubbed off some experience on me. Police are here. Why are they separating me and the others? I need them! Cemeron’s aunt shows up. ITS MY FAULT. ITS MY FAULT. She gives me a hard look, “Stop saying this is your fault.” I nod. His mother and father don’t even know yet.
Mom and Dad are here. I’m 20 years old and I feel like a child. Mom jumps out of the truck before dad can even make a complete stop. I run to her. I hug tight and we cry together.
His parents are here. They wont get out of the car.
The police start removing things from the room. Why do they want my laptop? They’re putting the gun in the car. Can you unlock his phone? I’m sorry officer, he changed his password I can’t.
I want to. My last message from Cameron. “Hey babe its me. I’m just sitting here, wishing you loved me enough to be with me but since you don’t I need-“. That’s it. Where the hell is part two of that message. Was it important. Is there something I needed to know? I’ll never know now.
Everything about this day still rings so vivid with me. I just can’t shake it. Will it ever be normal? Will I ever be normal? What now?
5 comments
This is a sad, sad post. I’m sorry.. In 2010 I lost a friend. She took her own life and, having suicidal thoughts myself, I’m not sure of how I really feel about her death.
We used to talk about dying together, we had plans and it didn’t happen as we planned.. so sometimes I wonder a lot of things. I regret a lot of things.
And now I’m facing the possibility of losing someone important again so I’m more lost than before, trying to decide something about my own life.
I don’t know if your grief will really end someday and honestly, I think that you’ll have to carry it for the rest of your life. It’s a scary situation, I know. But I think that you need to cherish the happy moments you had with him; that’s all you can do right now…
I wish you peace.
I am so sorry for your loss as well. It’s a very hard grief to live with. A death by suicide has turned out to be different than any other type. It was no accident and more of a choice. This leaves behind much frustration and guilt. I have considered suicide many times and I always seem to be able to talk myself out of it. This is a bit of my progress story. If you’re interested in how i sometimes get through it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kry9R8TN4pQ
Yes, it is… I was already suicidal when we first met. She was suicidal too but I was older than her and a lot more desperate. I look back at my past and see that she had so much to live for, she was 17.
It’s a guilt trip that sometimes drives me crazy to the point that I can’t even say her name; I hate hearing her name and since it’s a very common name here in Brazil, dealing with this situation is hard. And I barely don’t talk about her, only when I’m feeling hopeless. It drives me insane. Her mom talked to me and said that I’m mentally ill so she can’t blame me for “leading” her daughter to death.
And this important person who’s thinking about dying – it’s a long story. When I think about this kind of grief and guilt – or about the possibily of grieving again … It just ignites my own suicidal thoughts. over and over. But when it comes to her I’d say that I just got what I deserve.
Well, well. I guess that I just ranted here.
PS: I’ll watch your video then I will comment. Just wait a sec.
I thought the same thing. Before i met him he was the only Cameron I knew. Now i see his name everywhere. And i think he was only 17. He had so much to live for. Why on earth did it have to be him. Literally everyone loved that boy. His parents blame me too because they were never around or very supportive of him. Before he died she’d said i always knew id lose him to this or an accident. What type of parent just sits back and waits for that?
“What type of parent just sits back and waits for that?” … Haha, that’s a common type of parent. I don’t have a dad but my mom is that kind of parent. A few years ago she even said that she wanted to get rid of me (and no, I wasn’t that hard to deal with. I was a pacific teen). It’s a long story and don’t even remember the last time that she tried to hug me. It’s life and now I’m already a young grown up woman who doesn’t want mom’s hugs anyway lol
Some parents are in denial. That’s why they seem to don’t give a f*ck.
What saddens me the most is that sometimes parents try to help their kids and they don’t want any help. It’s a normal situation when you’re depressed, I mean… Avoiding help. But at least they’re trying to help. It’s love.
PS: I just watched your video – and now I have hope that you’ll heal Fantasia.