Bursting

Wow, damn, I related to this post so much. Welcome to SP, watch out, don’t catch The Crazy, it seems to be an epidemic here 😉

Yes, the physical symptoms of depression are crushing and defeating. Along with being physically in pain, fatigue is a major effect which decimates any resolve to attempt to get better even if I were able to culture a small one at all. I used to really hate the world, but it was really only a projection of the hatred I feel for myself. Self hatred has ruined my life and continues to do so, I can empathize so hard. The only way to get out of self hatred is to create a platform that you can build upon. This foundation can be an amalgamation of anything, from interests you want to pursue, to talents you have (everyone has them, don’t fucking lie to me and say you don’t have any 😉 ) or qualities that you can appreciate in yourself (I realize that’s the hardest of the three, I have trouble naming even 1 thing I like about myself, I don’t think I could name any at all, actually) but once you establish something, building the rest is incredibly easier.

Dang, I wish I could quit my job and stop working as well, if I could. I don’t have anyone who can support me beside myself, I honestly wish I could go and live in my mother’s basement for the rest of my life, ha. That’s not an option unfortunately. Work is almost as bad as high school was lol, it’s driving me insane. I’m much too apathetic for responsibilities, I’m a mess. I think it was a wise idea for you to quit something if you knew you couldn’t handle it. Extreme stress and pressure like that will just deteriorate you further and break you down until it’s near impossible to build yourself up again because there’s nothing left. Don’t beat yourself up for it, give yourself a pat on the back for doing something for your own good for once, it’s noble to stand up for your needs, it really is. Good job! 🙂

The friend part is also something I can completely relate to. I as well honestly have no friends in real life, not one. It’s been years since I’ve gone out with people I genuinely care about (I’ve gone out a couple times from invites by co-workers and small parties by the neighbors, but they don’t really care about me, it’s more out of etiquette if anything) I lack vital social skills and communication abilities that are required for establishing relationships with other people in real life. I’m not cognitively defective, I’m just awkward as hell (which is a result from my complete lack of confidence and self esteem, which comes from the intense self hatred) if I didn’t hate myself so much I think it would be much easier to make friends, I’m thinking this is your case as well, the self hatred is obstructing you from forming relationships. When you hate yourself you don’t trust yourself, and trusting yourself plays an important role in relationships. You need to trust yourself that you’re treating the other person right and that you’re receiving the appropriate treatment from them as well. You need to trust yourself for so many other aspects of relationships with other people. Starting to create a relationship is the easiest part in my opinion, just bumping into someone and saying ‘hi’ is the budding of a friendship, the hardest part is maintaining and ameliorating your relationship with them. That requires thoughtful connection, motivation and enthusiasm from both sides. As long as you’re loyal to that person, respect them, treat them nicely, don’t isolate yourself from them and have the guts to get in touch with them first (vs. waiting around for them to talk to you first) then I think you’d be on the right path towards making some friends. I’d like to think I know the steps, initiating and bolstering a relationship is what trips me up. (relationships with anyone require self-love, because there has to be a balance. If you don’t love yourself it’s hard to connect with another person because you don’t feel as though their appreciate for you is genuine) I wouldn’t feel bad about not having friends, there are so many advantages to it as well 😉 No need to stress over forgetting a birthday or something, you save money on presents, no one nags you, no drama, ridin’ solo is the shit. But nah, take things one step at a time and I’m sure you’ll be able to make some, take it easy, be kind to yourself.

You have to assign meaning yourself, apathy is hard to kick, I know. Kindling desires within yourself is very hard, but it is possible! Orient yourself for a moment and really think about what you want to do with your life. If your genuine answer is “I want to die” then I completely understand that and respect your decision, although it would be tragic. Really think about if you want to die, or if you just want to change your life (even if you think that the kind of change you want is impossible) it would be good to explore and reflect on it.

Best wishes! 🙂