I don’t know what to do anymore.

I don’t really know how to start this off, So I guess i’ll just start by saying Hi. I’m Anna. The age that i’m stuck with is thirteen. So. Yeah.

I guess I’m just going to rant about my problems like someone actually cares… I don’t know if It’ll make me feel better, or make me feel worse, But it’s worth a try right? Aha, I’m actually trying to be optimistic for once.

I’m just going to explain my life from the beginning. I’m a child born into the world because my mother needed a reason to stay with my father. So… Alcohol + Birth control pills = Unwanted Child. Of course my mother wanted me, But my father didn’t want me at the slightest. He was is his mid 50’s while my mom was in her late 30’s. He didn’t need another child, Especially one to ruin his party going ways. Not to mention, He had to spoiled brat kids of his own, And 2 of my mom’s three girls staying with them. The third, Soon moved back in, pregnant at the same time my mom was. A few weeks before my mother gave birth, she caught my dad getting it on with his secretary in his bmw.

Let’s be honest, My mom had a horrible childhood, and so did my dad. My mom, Was beaten everyday, raped by her brother, and at the lovely age of 11 was forced to take care of two baby girls. They won’t tell me, But i’m pretty sure my grandma worked in prostitution, or was an alcoholic, just like she is now. Then, My dad was always bet when he was a kid. So I guess that kind of screwed them up, To be blunt.

Then, My mother decided to marry a jackass of a guy before my father, Who was a sadist, And continually beat her. He was extremely controlling, and she barely got away from him. Then, When my parents met, He still stalked her. My dad at the time was just getting out of his third. Yeah. Third.

My parents lied to me, and said they were married the whole time. But in reality, They got married when I was 7. Which, The only reason to that was because of me, Not because they were still ‘in love’ or anything. I never really caught onto it, Since I was a little too preoccupied in the fact i was constantly teased at school. Whether people were picking on me because my father was so much older, Or just little stuff like my jeans. I never have fit in, And still haven’t found out why.

I never really noticed that both my parents had a drinking and smoking problem. I never noticed in the early years, My dad was a weed addict. But, I guess when you’re that age you can’t really tell.

At a young age my mom would use me as her personal diary, spilling every juicy secret, or just ranting about what a horrible life she had. Yeah, You married a millionaire, Tough. And he loves you unconditionally, Even worse.

innocent little me, Was hidden and shielded from the horrible thing called reality. Only having my first ‘hang out’ session that wasn’t with family, at the age of 7. Soon, My mother thought it’d be a good idea, to move away and put me in a different school away from the bullies, so my workaholic of a father would be forced to spend alone time with us. This backfired, he rarely came up to see us, which soon after a while, I started not to care.

Everything was amazing 4-5 grade. I had friends, Lots of stuff to do, I was even in a few plays. I was breaking out of my shell, And realizing the world wasn’t that bad. Aha, Wrong was I.

I made my first ‘best friend; in 4th grade. Her name was Celeste and we were ALWAYS together. Little did I know, The only reason she was friends with me, Was because her grandmother wanted our money. She was FORCED to be around me.

Men started to come to my house, right after i figured out my mom’s alcohol problem. They’d leave in the morning and I didn’t know why. Me and my mom were so close, Why wouldn’t she tell me? She had pushed all my family members away, and even my dad. Iwas to afraid to talk to anyone about it, Or rat her out. The men scared me, So i always hid in my room.

One night, When my oldest sister and her kids were there, also my friend Celeste and her sister, One of the guys that scared me most came. We sort of started getting along, And he started talking about how he went to prison, Blah blah blah. He even took me for a ride on his motorcycle, Near drunkly running off the mountain. I thought it was hilarious, only being around 10-11. Then I told him about another guy my mom ‘talked’ too. He looked angry… But said he had to ‘talk’ to my mom. After 15 minutes, and a few screams, I tried to get to my mom. I even went around on the side, to look through the glass door. And there he was, horribly beating my mother. He came over to the door, hitting the door with the gun in his hand and closing the curtains. That distracted him enough to let my mom run into the bathroom and lock herself in. My sister had already called the cops, and made us all get in the car. Chad (The scary guy) Started to chase her car. Finally we lost him by parking and turning the lights off, putting our heads down. I was so scared I couldn’t even cry. Soon, My dad came and Everything came out. WEll just about.

My mom pissed off the doctors, and of course (Somehow don’t even ask) Got kicked out of the hospital, So she sat on the curb for 6 hours until my dad picked her up. If she hadn’t gotten care sooner, She wouldn’t had been able to receive air through her lungs. I had to go back to the house… Just to tell the cops what happened and get some stuff. I looked in the bedroom… There was blood everywhere, marks in the wall, gun shots on the floor. I’ll never ever be able to tget that and my mother’s screams out of my head. Ever.

My dad never got my mom therapy, but almost divorced her. Which sometimes I wished he had. Sometimes I wish he just would’ve killed me. Which he would had if my sister didnt have her cel, Sinc ehe cut off the house phone, and took my cell. My dad sent me out to Colorado for a few weeks, two really. To stay with his two kids, my brother and sister. They both hate my mother with a burning passion. And it’s always starting shit.

I came back, still screaming from nightmares everynight, which i still have. I got reinrolled in the prep school and moved back to South Carolina. I had forgotten how chatty girls were there and just how involved with the school my dad was. I’ve never been what he’s wanted me to be, He’s always asked me to go out for sports teams, be a cheerleader, get the best grades, be a socialite, but i’ve never fit with any of those things.

That year was interesting… I was over sensitive, And everything was starting to get too much. I was so much taller than everyone else. I was practically a grown up! I had gone through so much, I forgot how to be a child. When a girl took advantage of me, she spread rumors around the last few months of school. I got tripped. A lot. I always sat at lunch alone, Eating more than the skinny whores could ever fathom.

Sick of that, I started doing online school the next year. That summer though Celeste, and her family, And I went to Eurorpe together, Where my mother was a drunken mess, which led us almost to get raped in paris. Fun right?! No. When we got back, All the friends i knew were suddenly ripped away from me, Anya and Celeste, Their grandmother, Told me i couldnt see them anymore because of my drunken mother.

Online school was a dark dark year. I started doing a bunch of shit i shouldn’t had been doing, talking to a lot of people who lied about who they were. And soon enough, a stalker had me wrapped around her finger. My moms friend caught me in the lie, And forced me to block the girl on everything, I was so emotionally attached to her, My depression got worse. I started to cry everyday, and sleep till 3. Which i still do.

My mom decided to open a clothing and furniture store with my dads money. I thought it’d be good for her, I thought she’d stop drinking. But it just got worse. My dad fell ill, and was admitted into the hospital. I’ve been alone without a single friend for 2 years now. It’s been rough. I havent had anyone to talk to, except maybe an occasional talk with my hairdresser.

They still can’t figure out what’s wrong with my dad. We’ve been traveling a lot, but no one’s been able to find what’s worng. He just broke his ribs a few days ago. Hes starting to forget things too, Not to mention, He drinks more than ever, but that’s because of my mom.

She’s obsessed with the clothing store she’s opening, And even sleeps up there. The only time she calls me is to rant about her business partner, or rant about how much she hates this. But she never comes home. When she does, she calls me useless, attention whore, *****, anything in the book. Apparently i’m a bad daughter since I don’t help her. I guess I am in a way… I could help.

But honestly, I just don’t see the point in anything anymore. My smile is drawn on with lipstick. Do you know how bad it hurts to get out of bed? I just don’t see the point in breathing anymore. I even have a bottle of pills hidden away. The thing is, They wouldn’t even know i was gone till the next day. I have no one, And i’m sick of it. I’ve tried to get out there, I just can’t find anyone that I have anything in common with.

Then I thought it was kind of getting better. Wrong. My dad now drinks more than my mom does, And falls. I constantly worry about him falling and hitting his head. What if one day I’m not there to catch him? What if one day he hits his head way to hard, and he’s gone? What am I suppose to do? Now, With the way I’m doing my school by myself, teaching myself, i can’t afford more stress. I’m just about to blow.

I don’t know what to do. It hurts so bad. So. Fucking. Bad. I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t do 5 more years of this shit. STuck in this damn house with them. It keeps getting worse and worse. I know she’s cheating on my dad. But he won’t leave her.

I’m stuck.