I remember when I used to eat pizza because I simply liked the taste. I would eat cake at a birthday party and then move on with my day because that’s what you’re supposed to do. I would eat each meal and not think twice. Maybe I weighed more then, but I know I was happier, I was at peace. I didn’t know that there would come a day that every bite was a war. I’m an intelligent girl with so much potential, but this battle with food is killing me. Eating is supposed to be natural, a simple act needed to survive, but I’ve turned it into something terrible.
Somedays I’m so hungry. I can feel my stomach begging for food. I get physically sick because of how little I have eaten and I understand that one meal could fix me, but I can’t eat. Eating is failing. So I stand at work, feeling like I could pass out, shaking because of how low my blood sugar is, I stand there and I pretend like I’m fine. I want to be skinny, but no matter how much weight I lose I’m too exhausted to appreciate it.
Somedays I cave. I take one bite and can’t stop. My body has been so deprived that I feel like I can eat forever and never feel full. As I eat, I panic. I’m fat. I’m useless. I’m ugly. I’m a failure. Sometimes before I’m even done swallowing I’m bent over a toilet, ready to try and reverse the damage I’ve done. Forcing myself to throw up should feel degrading, but it’s actually really comforting.
I keep waiting for this nightmare to end. I want to wake up and have food mean nothing. My weight will be just a number and eating will be something everyone does to survive. I always say that I starve because it feels good. When I say starving feels good I actually mean I have a headache that won’t go away, my body feels weak, I can’t stay awake, I’m in a bad mood constantly, my stomach hurts, I have chest pains, and I kind of feel like I’m going to pass out. Emotionally, I feel strong though, and that feels good.
1 comment
Eating or not eating. You’re strong. You’re going through such a hard battle, does it feel like you’re never gonna get better? Get better at eating?
Ive felt this, around a year ago. But i dont think i ever suffered as long you and i am eating without much problem to this day (There is hope)
See i could give you advice to slowly eat one more bite each day/week. But you may not even wanna do that. All i want to say is look after yourself… I and everyone else doesnt want to hear that you’ve made yourself anemic or damage your inner body due to wanting to feel skinny.
All thoughts go to you and everyone else who may be suffering from anorexia or belima or even just the self hatred. Always an email away or even a text if you want.
[naomirogers1996@yahoo.co.uk]