I feel like ranting. I’ve been a user of this site for quite a while–at least a year or two, yet I rarely post or comment. This is a good place to get something off of your chest and to relate and help others out. I’m no different from anyone here. Here’s my story.
Just like a lot of people on this site, I’ve dealt with emotional abuse. It was mainly from my peers growing up. I grew up in a rough neighborhood and was bullied for ‘acting white’ despite being black. I wore glasses, lame clothes and read and drew stuff all the time. I was apparently an easy target–I was a nerd. Even though I tried standing up for myself at times, it didn’t better the situation–it merely fueled the fire of me being this giant spectacle that anyone and everyone fucked with and I just ended up getting into lots of fights. I couldn’t help feeling so alienated. I didn’t have many friends and had terrible self esteem and confidence. It got to the point where I wanted to be anyone, just anyone… except myself.
So most of my childhood memories just consisted of me being socially isolated, drawing, writing my own stories, playing loads of video games and listening to music most people would consider me strange for enjoying. Alas, I was cultivating my creative side, but another part of me yearned to just be social and accepted by my peers. It never came. When I was sixteen I moved to a different high school and dealt with racism on a nearly daily basis. Slurs, stereotypical jokes, you name it. It got so bad that I was just fed up and felt as if I couldn’t ever be happy. I felt as if a part of me died for good. I tried to kill myself and ended up in a psych ward after breaking down in front of my guidance counselor.
The meds seemed like they were working…at first. After a while though I didn’t even want to get out of bed. I refused to go back to that school. I saw this whole transition as a failure. Here I thought I could start over by moving, yet it was still more of the same. Disappointing. I temporarily dropped out of school. My senior year, I went to yet another high school. This was the beginning of perhaps my most darkest days…
I became very ’emo’. I straightened my hair and grew it until I looked like I belonged in a band (and even tried to be in a band at some point but things didn’t work out) and became very antisocial. At this point I think my peers and just about everyone I met could tell how fucked up I was in the head just by looking at me.
I took a year off from school and then went to community college. I wasn’t entirely sure what I wanted to do with my life. I had always been fascinated with acting, and started taking acting classes when I was fifteen. I know, it’s ironic, isn’t it? A depressed, suicidal guy who sometimes likes to pretend as if he can’t feel anything at all has aspirations to be an actor? I’m just a walking contradiction, heh.
Community college was worse then senior year. I only had one ‘friend’–he ended up having some type of mental disorder. He claimed that he didn’t even know what it was and that doctors were still evaluating him. I have a feeling it was Borderline Disorder though. I found out that he was also abusive to his girlfriend and cut off the tip of one of her fingers when he slammed his door on it. Despite this, she took him back when he got her name tattooed on his chest. He thought I was trying to steal her from him, but I wasn’t…He was just a crazy ************. I grew very misanthropic and suspicious of everyone for a while after my encounter with this guy.
I attempted again and again after that, forgetting all about academics and a future for myself. This year I’ve attempted about three times and have been in three psych wards. I’ve been in psych wards on five or six different occasions now. Some people say that psych wards are just as bad as prison. I’ve never been there but I don’t think that assessment is that far from the truth.
Meds, therapists, groups…none of it seemed to do much for me. I even had ECT done up to seven times, and now my whole life is pretty foggy. It’s like I don’t even know myself anymore after the ‘treatment’. If someone asked me ‘What was the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you?’ I’d be hard pressed to come up with an answer. But it might just be for the better; after all, there really wasn’t much that was worth remembering, anyway.
Now I’m back on track to try to make it as an actor. I’m at a college on the other side of the US. I’m almost of legal drinking age and I know plenty of people at my dorm. This Halloween I dressed up as Darth Vader. Imagine my surprise when it was announced that there was a worldwide casting call for the lead roles for Star Wars: Episode VII. And just a week earlier my friend said ‘I have a feeling that you’re gonna be famous one day. I don’t know why–I just do’. My teachers praise my acting. All those suicide attempts ended in vain and one of my therapists mentioned that I’ve had so many failed attempts because I wasn’t meant to die by my own hand. It all feels as if it’s some giant foreshadowing. Like sometimes I can’t help but think if I stick around I really will make it one day.
Despite this, I still always feel so empty inside though. One of the major reasons is that I find it hard to enjoy anything at times and I’m always chronically bored and I try to fill this void with excessive self medication. This never leads to a perfect solution however and once the high is over I’m no better off than I was before. I even got in a heated altercation with my roommate that became physical. Now I have a room to myself. I still hate the fact that it went down that way. No matter where I go I always have to fight and deal with people who want to harass me.
Another pretty big thing that gets me down is the fact that I never even kissed a girl. In fact, it wasn’t until earlier this year when I was in a psych ward that I realized that I wasn’t as ugly as I thought I was. I was showered with compliments. Sure, some girls complimented me when I was growing up and even during my senior year some girl was obsessed with me but I was way too emotionally broken to give a shit. “You’re so handsome,” “I think you should model,” “You have a nice *physical characteristic*”. The compliments aren’t always from girls, either. So, this is all true, you say? Yet why is it that I’ve been rejected by more girls than I’d like to admit? I know I’m not the most funny, interesting or witty guy around, but I go out of my way to help others and make them feel appreciated. At this age everyone’s experienced a bit of love. And the fact that I haven’t at all makes me feel as if there is truly something wrong with me.
Despite the hardships I’ve endured, I don’t want to take out my frustration out on anyone. Because that’s honestly where I am now. I’m just frustrated and tired. Today I listened to some of the music I used to listen to and all those feelings that were below the surface arose. It’s like I can never escape this cycle. For there might be a day when I could be complacent with my life but my subconscious always seems to be drawn to the notion of an eternal sleep. It’s just a nightmare that never seems to end. So why fight it if I could just not exist at all?
5 comments
Wow! I swear I just read my own life story.
Other than a few minor details.
My father wasn’t around a lot growing up and my step father was very abusive towards me, in turn making my siblings believing it was “ok”
I reached out for attention anywhere I could. Good, bad or otherwise.
I was teased bad when I was in grade school. I have a learning disorder and was called “Slowvana” (my name is Sylvana)
High school was rather easy, however I got caught up in social activities and fights so my mom dragged me out and shipped me off to live with my dad.
Any way, long story short….. I found an interest in acting as well and I’m starting college in January.
Maybe we’ll meet on the big screen lol
You sound like a nice person. I’m very sorry that you’ve had to experience all that abuse. 🙁 People sicken me sometimes.
I wish you good luck in your acting career, and remember that if you always try to be the best you can be, you should not take account of the negative attitudes of others. If they want to be prejudiced, cruel, and small-minded, it is not your fault. You must remember that you have much worth, and much to give. Live for yourself, not for the approval of others, and then it’ll be more difficult for them to get you down. All the best.
I don’t think that it’s a vicious cycle. At least to me it sounded like it’s going better for you. And, yes agree with others here on that hey I definitely want to hear one day of some super famour actor with your story. You could do great things. Inspire lot of people.
Why fight it when you could not exist at all?
Well.
You are here still. So what for were all those years then? Don’t you think you’d haven given up by now. I mean no and you are still here so maybe there are better things waiting for you. Maybe not, but that’s life, have to find things out.
And don’t listen to that music ever again. I mean it’s like probably like tearing old scars open so don’t do that.
Nightmares always end. Just like raining.
I think fighting it all is good. I mean otherwise hey it would be even more boring sheep life.
Anyways. People are mean. They don’t mean to be or some do. Then you just have to find people like you or with whom you feel comfortable with. Because too many will only drag you down. But don’t let them.
So, this is all true, you say? Yet why is it that I’ve been rejected by more girls than I’d like to admit?
that is kind of funny line because it takes a bit of a thick skin to testify to that, good luck
Well, you sound like an intelligent, creative person, and you had the mental clarity to sit here and post this, regardless of how hard it might have been. Maybe you need to just take some time to focus on yourself and relax. It won’t solve all of your problems, but it will provide an outlet for you to de-stress long enough to think of some solutions or even just unwind a little. It might not be much help but if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m willing to listen. http://suicideproject.org/2013/11/trying-to-work-through-it-all/