I hate it. I hate everyone. Especially myself.
I hate going to school, getting out of bed, putting on a fake smile and pretend to give a shit. I don’t do my homework because I’m too lazy, then I don’t want to go to school the next day because I haven’t done the work. I stopped trying a long time ago.
I hate sitting in class. I sit there, never knowing what the fuck the teacher is talking about. I don’t want to know anyways. I sit there, fake smile pasted on my face. Then I get an anxiety attack. Then I have to try not to break down. 7 hours isn’t enough, I have to go to fucking afterschool activities and sit through those. Then come home to my parents. Mom won’t let me do anything. She doesn’t understand. She doesn’t care. Dad just thinks I’m going through a phase. If these cuts aren’t real, I don’t know what is.
I hate people. They act like they’re my friends. They act like they care. Just stop. I know you won’t give a shit if I ended up killing myself. They’ll probably even be happy that I’m gone. So no, don’t come up to me with your stupid ass fake smiles, and ask me whats wrong. My life isn’t a fucking tv show for you to watch when there’s nothing better.
I hate myself. I hate it when I can never cut deep enough. I hate it when I eat too much and can’t throw it all up. I hate it when I sit alone in my room at 3am and cry. I hate it when everything around gets so loud but no one else can hear it. It’s all in my head.
I can’t wait to die. It’ll be so easy for me. Painkillers right by my bed side. Vodka right in the kitchen. Or I can just go up to the roof and become one of the stars. Don’t tell me its going to get better. You don’t know that, I don’t know that. And I won’t stick around to find out.
So here, you want me dead? Your wish has been granted. How does it feel to know you’ve won?
7 comments
Dam you just don’t know right now that it is a horrible phase and that it is going to get better. You have your age in your favor. And you won’t understand that this school phase will pass by so fast…but honey it will.There is so much I wanna say to you.
if you make it through this, which I hope you though, wow will you have some strength, if it doesn’t kill you it really does make you stronger
it doesnt get better it gets worse the best thing u can do is realize yourself become aware of all of this transcend your suffering fk it do what i did take some psychedelics realize that life is an illusion and the absolute is pure go search within ask what am i? fk school and society they only program you to be a slave ask yourself who am i why am i here seek yourself and you shall find the eternal source and peace and bliss u deserve fk the world its a joke and a fools playground goodluck <3 u
Those cuts are real, but they are something you do to yourself voluntarily, not anything anyone else is doing to you.
So, what is it? What is it that you want, from other people, in order to ease your suffering enough to eliminate your need to resort to cutting yourself, in order to redistribute your pain from emotional to physical? What is it that you want from other people, from your life, that would convince you to stop cutting? What it is that you want, that would make you feel better?
And at what moment did you decide someone wants you dead? You seemed to completely arbitrarily jump to that conclusion without really leading into it. I doubt there are any people who actually want you dead, and if there are, it’s likely very few people; a tiny and negligible minority, who is almost certainly unqualified to decide who should live or die. Honestly, it’s probably just a few stupid kids, if that.
But i can’t help but wonder… you know… why? And what? What is so wrong for you, and what could, hypothetically, be done about it, in order to reduce or eliminate the excessive suffering, so that you don’t have to live in despair and transfer your emotional distress to your flesh, due to lacking any better way to cope with your feelings?
We don’t want you dead we want you alive, but better. I know thats not easy to believe, but we all hurt here. You are not alone. Take some comfort in that. Talk to us, we are your friends and care.
I already tried to end it, so I know how bad you feel.
Those people are right this is just a horrible phase. Please stick around longer so you can see this for yourself. You sound like a good person that has just been done wrong. I’m sorry bad things have happened to to you. If you ever need anyone to talk to you can email me at anaisegalimore@gmail.com
Whether or not you are going through a phase, your pain is REAL. I wanted to let you know that I understand that, and most others here probably do as well. The word “phase” seems to have some sort of correlation to “trivial,” especially when considering the so-called “phases” of younger people, but that is not the truth at all. Phase in this case refers to the idea that this condition is likely temporary. Regardless of whether it is, your pain is REAL and your feelings are important and should be acknowledged. You should be cared for, not brushed off. You deserve better than this. I wish I had some answers for you, but honestly I don’t. I’m here trying to piece some together for myself. If I think I’ve found any, I’ll pass them on.