really thinking of suicide…

I’ve never had thoughts like these before. I guess it all started when i lost my girlfriend of 5 years. I always thought i had it good. I have a good job, im well respected by co-workers and friends, but i realised i had nothing when i lost her. I left University where i was studying psychology to work and travel abroad, which i did, happily for 2 years (this is before i met my ex) I lived in Rome, Amsterdam, and Strasbourg all thanks to my job. Now I just can’t cope. I get irritable around friends and family even if they ask me basic questions not relating to my break up. I went to the doctor who prescribed me Sertraline 100mg, which i have to take for 6 months. I tried moving on, i bought a motorbike to take my mind off of her but now whats left of my black heart is crumbling. It was my fault she left. I didn’t give her enough respect. I just want to kill myself, and i hope someone can answer the questions i have. Half of killing myself is due to my ex but also due to the rut i am in regarding work. 1 month i will know if i get the new job i’m after or not, but even then, i don’t know what my mindstate will be like. Everyday i wake up and my chest feels heavy and during random times of the day. I use weed to help me sleep or i just get blind drunk. I used to be a cold person, my mum would often refer to me as a cold bastard. She’s not bad or anything, has never done anything bad to me, she’s just upset that i don’t open up to her. She also says im as deep as the ocean. I never gave any feelings of sadness and kept my family out of my life. I always did until i met my ex. Now i cry at everthing. For example, i was watching The Golden compass and near the end of the film i started to get tearful. What the fuck! Who cries at that film. I’m a changed man in the sense of it. My emotions are all over the place. Anyway.  The question i have is relating to suicide notes. If i leave a note will the police ever disclose the contents of the note? Not everything but minor details. I just don’t want my family to think it was their fault. or my ex’s

Thanks for taking the time to read