The dark days

Through the dark days

I don’t blame anyone for the hand I’ve been dealt with in life.  Truthfully I have never indulged in self-pity, self-hate certainly and the desire to end my life yes but not pity, nor do I want pity, more than anything I need to share my story, to get it off my chest, and to thank those angels who helped me when I didn’t want to help myself.

 su·i·cide  

/ˈso͞oiˌsīd/

The word that ended it all, my simple life as I knew it. It’s a word that is often avoided, said in hushed tunes and one that carries a lot of stigma and embarrassment. I was studying for an exam I had in the morning, you know that panicked cramming we all seem to do when we are faced with an exam.  When my phone rang, I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, I answered and it was my step-father, I knew something was wrong, I was greeted with ‘yours mothers dead’ so simple and elegantly said.  I mean what other way can it be phased.  When you’re faced with this type of news it’s hard to grasp, almost like your listening to some movie and your experiencing someone else’s reality, but it’s okay, the movie will end, the heroin will find a nice man and they will live happily ever after with the 2.5 kids and the white picket fence, maybe even a golden retriever.  But no this wasn’t some movie as much as I wanted it to be, it was my life, my mother, the beautiful women who told me she’d always be there for me, protect me from all the bad things in life and always love me. All I could say to my step-father was ‘I’m sorry, I’m so sorry she did this too you’.   At this stage it wasn’t my pain, it was a fact but it didn’t feel real, I’d wake up and it would all be a bad dream.

But this wasn’t a dream, as much as I wish it was, it my reality.

That night was spent in complete and utter confusion. My step-father was at work in a remote location so he was only relaying the news, I rang and rang my sister trying to get into contact with her as she was the one to find the body.  After 3 agonising calls that got to voice mail my sister’s long term boyfriend answered. My step father john had called them to check up on my mother when she had failed to answer the phone for 3 days.  They had knocked and failed to get a response knowing something was wrong as her car was in the drive way and family dog was acting very distressed, whining and cowering.  They used the spare key to enter the premises and found her. Lifeless, cold and gone.

dead  

/ded/