I wish I could get high, find some sort of pleasure besides cigarrettes and masturbation

ALthough i may be in the army, my suicidal thoughts remain somewhere in my head, they resurface occassionally.

School is great, we’re getting copious amounts of notes and are practically halfway through the course and yet i feel no smarter on the aspects of mechanic work. It seems all we need to troubleshoot is a computer, tech manuals and a tool kit and suddenly we’re professional mechanics. I should have chosen a more advanced occupation., I dont even like cars enough to pay attention to the minute details of an engine. Who cares about a 6.5 liter turbocharged diesel engine?

I wish I could explain more, but as of now I’ve had no sleep, most of the monster has worn off and i have a lot of shit to do today, including fix my room up since we moved out of the fifth floor down to the 3rd and i need to get my ASU’s ready and inspected and do my army/ordnance creed and song.

It could be my sudden ignorance of depressing thoughts, I’m not as susceptible to depressing thoughts especially since I’m going back to california on the 21st and im anxious as hell about it. I wish I could smoke weed but after holiday block leave theyre giving us a goddamn urinalysis and that would be sure to kick me out of ther army if they found weed in my system.

IF you were to look into my past, my past posts youd find all of it to be me whining about such bad things when in reality they were bloated beyond recognition. I also never had any ambition or drive to fix my problem, even now I struggle a bit.