I wish I was a writer so I’d be able to write away these feelings, but I’m not. 26 letters, millions of ways to arrange them, and not a single one can set me free. Loneliness is a bitter thing, the way it creeps up on you. You can be surrounded by people, and still not belong. All I want is a place in this world, people who actually like me and want me around. I don’t want to be known as ___’s friend. I once belonged to a group of friends who decided they were fed up with my shit. The one year we had where everything was perfect, before they started showing they hated me, was one of the best. Those were the years before I knew what it felt like to have your heart torn to shreds by the people who you just wanted to like you again. That’s the pattern with every single person. You become so close to them, finally let them in, they’re begging you to let them in. You let them in, and they don’t like what they see. All you want is to belong, to be loved, to have someone to call at 4am when you’re in tears. Imagine not having a single fucking person to turn to, no one to understand what goes on inside your mind and how badly words hurt you. Imagine trying your best to show them how much they mean to you, and then realizing it was one-sided. They don’t fucking care, they’ll write you off the second they find someone better. Yeah, maybe I’m a bit dramatic and maybe I’m a bit sensitive and maybe I’m a bit fucked up, but I tried, I really did. All I’m left with are the panic attacks of seeing them, the constant feeling of my heart dropping when I see that they’re happy, they are so fine without me and never needed me like I needed them. All I wanted was to belong somewhere, someone to tell me that they love me and would actually care if I killed myself tonight. But they have to mean it too. It’s so hard, being so desperate for acceptance, and getting denied quicker and quicker each time. I would never admit it got to me before, I wanted to kill them with my bare hands. But it does, with each person it burns a hole deeper and deeper inside of me. Regardless of how mad I am at them, how shitty they ended up treating me, I would do anything to get them back, all of them. How can they sit there and say we were never connected in such an intimate way? How can they make it that I’m so invisible, that I don’t pop out at them like they do to me every fucking time I pass them. Each person has told me they would never leave me like the rest, how was it so fucking easy for them to break their promises to me? All I wanted was to belong somewhere, to be significant in such a shitty world, to feel like I have some form of worth, and it was too much to ask for.