I feel like everything I do is a mistake. I say things that are awful sometimes… but it’s only because I hate feeling like I have to bottle up my emotions and opinions. I am just going to write exactly what causes me to feel this way and I am not looking for anyone to make me feel justified or anything. I just needed to vent somewhere and writing in my journal wasn’t helping me. I realize that my problems are nowhere near as bad as some of those on here, but I needed to put my feelings out there and feel like someone would listen.
There are so many things in my life that suck. I have to depend on my adoptive dad financially right now, and I feel like a burden. I have tried to find a job but it has been pretty difficult. I am in college right now and work hard to get good grades… my G.P.A is good but not good enough. I work very hard to get good grades and feel devastated when an exam goes badly. This past semester has been particularly hard and I have had to get a tutor for the first time which made me feel like an idiot.
I have no boyfriend, no friends and very little family. I have mental illness (social phobia and schizo-affective disorder) and feel dysfunctional 80% of the time. Any relationships that I try to maintain always fail because I say something stupid or they just fizzle out. It also gets really hard to always be the initiator. My therapist and I worked on me getting involved more socially, but even friends that seemed to be nice would never initiate. I just want someone to actually work hard at being my friend for once not the other way around.
I just hate where I am in life and how hard it is to get to where I want to be. I want to just have normal relationships but I also fuck them up, I feel like such a failure.
Here is an example of how I fuck up relationships: my birthmother lives in a not-so-safe area but is constantly calling me asking me if I am safe. Which is sweet and everything but it just aggravates me that she doesn’t realize how bad it is where she lives. I know that I am an awful person for doing this but I mentioned to her one case of bad things that happen in her area. Her boyfriend got on the defensive and started yelling at me about it. It is very frustrating that she expects me to travel to see her and be in a not-so-safe area, but she would never go out alone herself. Why would I want to travel and also stay late at night in a place that I do not feel safe. She has two men accompany her to come and see me…. I have no one and have to go to a dangerous area alone.
I feel like an awful person for saying what I said to her but it was running through my head over and over and it just came out. It is really hard to deal with two families especially when they are as dysfunctional as mine. I love my mom and my adoptive family but my mom doesn’t like my adoptive dad (even though it is not his fault I was taken away) and he seems indifferent and doesn’t want to know her.
I have tried to commit suicide before and I even fail at that. Why can’t God just cut me a break?
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3 comments
venting is always better on this site, well for me it always is. the way that the keys click kinda takes the burden off my shoulders. but thats just me.
Just reading some of the stories from other people has made me feel a lot better. It’s nice to know that I am not alone in feeling the way that I do. I just wish people that I see face to face everyday could relate to me this way.
You are not a failure… it’s not your fault. It’s good that you journal, because it’s better to get it out in writing than to bottle it all up. This can be a good place to vent if your journal isn’t helping. You touched on quite a lot in your post, and unfortunately I’m not sure if can get to all of it. But I wanted you to know that I read your post and I sympathize with you.
I rely on my family too, and it can feel like you’re a burden, but that’s simply not true. We didn’t ask to be put on this earth, and it’s our family’s job to help us out. And in turn we help them in our own ways, as we can. Give and take. It’s hard out there, they must know that. Don’t feel like a failure about not finding a job or anything. There isn’t much out there, and that’s not your fault at all. It’s good that you work hard in school. It’s not good to over work or put too much pressure on yourself. You can only do so much. It’s okay to need a tutor… you’re only trying to do your best, right? There’s no shame in that.
Don’t feel too bad about what you said to your birth mother. It sounds like a perfectly reasonable concern to me. Did you tell her that you’re afraid to go alone because it’s a bad area? Just explain that you want to visit but you’re afraid to travel alone and don’t have anyone to accompany you. It does sound to me like she knows the area she lives in is pretty bad if she has two men accompany her on trips out of the house. Anyway, if you tell her what’s really bothering her maybe you could work something out with her about it. On the other hand, I know how difficult it can be to try to work something out with someone and they won’t even meet you halfway.
Anyway, we all say things that are awful and stupid sometimes. But that does not represent who you are as a whole. As for relationships not working out… it takes at least two people to make them work. So don’t feel that if one fizzles out it is entirely your failing. In fact, one could argue if it was anyone’s fault at all. Perhaps the friendship or relationship has just taken it’s natural course. Sometimes they’re only meant to last for a certain amount of time. Or you’re only friends because you may be stuck in the same situation and once that ends you drift apart. And, as shitty as it is, most people are unreliable, selfish, and cruel. It’s best not to worry too much about forming relationships for that reason alone. I’m not saying to close off the idea altogether. It’s just that the right people can sometimes pop into your life when you least expect them to. Until then, concentrate on yourself, the people already in your life, your work, and the things that bring you happiness – and relationships are an added bonus. I hope that makes sense.
PS – try not to concentrate so much on all of the things you feel you do wrong, and balance that with the things you do right. :]