I can’t think of a time where i’ve ever been “happy”. I’ve been suicidal for at least 5 years. For at least the last 3 years I fantasize about killing myself every single day. I always wanted to be an astraunaunt. My dream got killed before it could even be chased. There is no future for space. A bunch of rich bastards are destined to quible over the rest of earths resources until we all kill each other over what’s left. I’ve always been pretty smart so it was a hard blow when I really understood that the world isnt fair at all. I think I figured that out when I was 8. I never related to kids my age much. Never had lots of friends. I thought I had some friends. I was wrong. Every single person I’ve ever loved or cared about has eventually betrayed me for their own selfish needs. I’m tired. My best friend that lived next door tossed me under the bus when hurting me was the popular thing to do. I didn’t have any friends for 4 years after that. I decided when going into highschool I would try and make some friends. I found a couple that wanted to spend time with me. The first ditched me for popularity and woman. Again I was thrown under the bus for convenience sake. More recently my latest best friend stopped taking my calls after 5 years of being friends. The party chairs I lent him ended up thrown on my front lawn as a farewell. I was cheated on by the only girl I’ve ever loved. Apparently she was confused enough to sleep with me one weekend and have the “best day ever” all over Facebook with her ex 4 days later. I have no license from a framed drug bust by the facist police. I’m 14,000 dollars in debt and work a shit job at 10 dollars an hour 40 hours a week. You do the math… Between the 7,000 dollar hole from my bs arrest and all the reckless spending I did when I was very serious about killing myself soon after this latest mess. I’ll be lucky to die the other side of broke. I failed 3 college classes after I found out about the cheating. That’s part of the debt at 22.24% mmmmm. I have nothing. I’m so lonely. Everytime I get a little closer to getting out of my hole it magically gets bigger. I’m tired of fighting. I don’t want to die. I just want the pain to stop. I’m a guy in the burning building that jumps. Not because I want to. The prospect of burning alive is the worse option. I wish there was another option. I’m at the end of the rope. Options have been tried. I cry myself to sleep . my family describes me as pissed off and angry. It just makes me want to kill myself more. I wish I had done it years ago. Half of me wants to hurt them as much as I hurt for not seeing or helping and the other half feels guilty about doing it. If my parents were dead I probably would be already as well. I don’t think I can hold out my longer. The percocets or oxy bottle is just an online order away and even my shit job makes me enough to order the pills with bitcoins. I feel a rush. A relief in my suicide. Normal people feel that way about being happy. I’m worried. I never half ass things. If I try to kill myself. I will impulsively think about then go all in on my plan like I’ve got a royal flush. There will be no attempts only success. I don’t want to die. I just want what I’ve always wanted…to be loved back half as much as I’ve loved anyway. A lot of people cared. Just not enough.
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Reading about your life made me think about my own and how much I’ve learned about myself. I’ve become a lot angrier, more passive-aggressive than anything. I’ve never had any mental or physical disorders and am educated.
But there is a subconscious hatred I have for my life and to an extent myself as I am today. I wished to be better, to be born more perfect I guess, but I’m so far from my ideal which makes me so furious at my parents for not recognizing what losers they are in life who shouldn’t have reproduced.
Part of my anger and rage is directed at my mother who’s older now and does the same stupid things over and over that I’ve found myself on the verge of striking her-but I wont because she’s old and frail.
That’s not me, but it’s where I’ve been driven to given my circumstances. You’re right that life is very unfair-I’d say it’s an understatement. Just try living outside civilization and you’ll see how cruel mother nature can be. But even our ‘wealthy nations’ treat their citizens like crap.
Some of us get shit pay and live in grinding poverty, others get high paying jobs and live the good life. Like it or not though, we are forced to struggle to find better work. That ultimately is the only way to get ahead.
As for your debt problems, I have my own. You might as well consider bankruptcy. I owe much more than you but don’t make enough to pay it pay so it’s something I’m considering as well. At least that’ll be one less headache to deal with.
I could tell you about the girls I’ve dated or could’ve had, the type most guys dream about and it’s just another reason I want to end my life because I don’t think I’ll get those opportunities again-though on a very rare occasion I still do.
I was on my break at working thinking to myself how completely useless my life is and why do I bother to keep living. What am I living for? I really have nothing-a family I don’t really care that much about, friends I won’t really miss and I have no girl to love or dedicate myself to. I have ideas but no money to make anything happen, so I’m just stuck surviving, living in the past while I watch guys younger than me living the life I wished I had.
I do find solace in the idea that I know one day I can just take that leap into nothingness. At least there is no afterlife to suffer through thank goodness. So I know once I’m dead it’s all over.
I remember in my 20s I asked myself if my life was as shitty as it was then, would it be worth going on? I ask the same now in my 40s, all I have to look forward to is my 60s.
I know I’d feel better if I found a great girl but you need something to attract women and I already don’t feel good enough about myself to play the games one needs to in order to date. They can also sense it when a guy feels like a loser or is depressed so it makes one even less appealing.
Anyways, good luck with whatever you plan to do, I’m just trying to make the best of my situation by applying for high paying jobs-at least I have the education to back me up and I’m hoping that will ripple into improving the rest of my life so I wont want to kill myself as badly as I’d like to right now.
sorry for the typos, its late and I typed it fast.
correction: in my 20s I wondered if my life would be just as shitty in my 40s would it be worth continuing to live on. Actually I always thought things would get better. I’d get a great job, wife, house and everything would fall into place.
None of that happened and it seems now I’m in the same illusion. My life sucks now and I’m hoping it’ll be ok by the time I’m in my 60s but what would it matter, I’d be a fucking old geezer…who cares if I have wealth and a big house then. I’d have to go for old hags or look like a major creep chasing younger girls…fortunately it’s not as bad in my 40s.
Life is just way too short. When you finally understand what life is about, when you know your own flaws and how to overcome them, when you’ve conquered your insecurities and other vices, it’s just way too fucking late. Your looks are gone and you’re just struggling to pay your bills and just keep everything ‘normal’ while trying to have some fun on the side.
Anyways, I’ve resolved now to try hard to get a well paying job, find a hot girl, get a house and once I’ve done all that, then see how I feel about living. It’s still attainable since I’m in my early 40s so I have a little time but not much. I’m going to try to make the most of it. If in 5-10 yrs I don’t see a major improvement, then I’m going to end it. Still it’s difficult to live with all of one’s pain and hatred for one’s life for that long of a period. But I think that’s a very reasonable plan for myself.
“John 3:16 explained” Google it. Read about it. There is light at the end of the tunnel believe me.
Johnny,
I can’t tell you it will get any better as you get older, but I can say I am worse off financially than you. I got 35k in student loan debt and had 2 exes cheat on me one was in college with a fraternity brother.
You probably grew up with the assumption you can be anything you want and with high hopes and unrealistic expectations of life you were crushed….we all were.
You kind of have to look at it from an optimistic point of view, yea your life is shitty, you got no friends, and a shit job, and you feel worthless….welcome to the 99%.
BUT, you don’t have anything to lose. Your already a leg up on most people your age. While normal people with a lot to lose worry about dying and losing their complacent 9 – 5 job. You see death as an ally, an escape. This allows you to take bigger risks in life which allow for bigger returns.
Take some risks….go skydiving or start a business….there are tons of new markets emerging you could bank off. Obviously if your familiar with bitcoins figure out a way to make some money with them.
People are selfish in nature, that’s just the way it is. What you need to do is focus on you and take care of yourself…because if you don’t….no one will.
As far as killing yourself..it just sounds like a lose lose situation..Just take up an extreme sport or something you might enjoy it.
Bankruptsy isnt really worth doing. I have excellent credit and could pay it down. I make 30,000 a year on bitcoin. My cards are maxed out because of the fucking government. I just am tired of 3 steps forward 4 steps back. When I factor in all the extra cost this shit has caused me its more like 10,000 instead of 7. I can’t get a new job. Everybody says you need a car. Its not my fault the island lake cops are dirty fucks that tried to frame me for a bs dui charge. Summary suspension in Illinois means even after beating that rap they still suspended my license for a year. I’ll get it back if I pay 500 for reinstatement at the end of the year. I just don’t see the point. As far as I can tell the future for all of us will be decidedly worse than yesterday.
It seems like the general argument is life is shit and the game is rigged but you might as well keep playing the roulette wheel and hope you land on 0 for the big win. I just don’t know if its really worth it. I’m not afraid of dying. I shit myself thinking about the prospect of being in the same position 20 years from now. I don’t live…I exist from one rolling tradgedy to the next and any minor happiness is the random universe fucking me up the ass. Every single time it turns to shit in the end. It’s not for a lack of trying either. I’m tired of picking myself up again and again just to get knocked down again. Its a fight fought in quick sand. I feel like I’m fighting the inevitable. I’m also angry with assholes that made this rigged system. Maybe if more people got angry about it and did something. I’m tired of watching people take it in the ass day in and day out. They have broken most of us. Turned us into animals worried only about the next meal. The prospect of being a slave the rest of my life is what really kills me.
Well its like what they say:
Gold is for the Kings
Silver is for the Gentlemen
Barter is for the Peasants
Debt is for the Slaves
The game is rigged but you can still win you just gotta think outside the box. If your not cheating your not trying.
I get where your coming from though, that’s probably my biggest fear as well…being stagnant and in the same position I am in for 20 years. It seems like the past couple I haven’t been able to break out either.
I am in the same boat too, I want to live like I’m alive not just sit and survive. Your preaching to the choir or at least the 99% of us.
I’d say some things i feel about that but I don’t feel like getting shipped to Guantanamo and labeled a terrorist today…I don’t want to cheat to win. How is becoming everything I despise the answer to the success question? I don’t really want to play the game anymore. It’s watching people fuck each other for pennies that put my world view where it is. Thanks but no thanks. I’ll kill myself with an un-sharpened pencil before I take that road
@john,
If you’re making $30k off bitcoins that’s pretty damn good. I’m assuming that you mine bitcoins? I almost jumped into it but the difficulty is skyrocketing so it’s not really profitable. I could’ve been a millionaire already had I acted on my instincts a few years ago and bought a bunch of them. Just another stupid decision in my life.
I’m also assuming your bitcoin money is separate from your work income, which means you’re doing well. That license thing is not a big deal, just pay the $500 and get back on track.
I had no issues with the law, but apparently I had some unpaid tickets. I wasn’t working for a while but once I got a job again, I paid off the fines and was set. Life is hard even with a car but totally shit without one. I went to work through the winter without a car-just taking buses and shit. Till finish I got everything straightened out in spring and been driving ever since.
Well don’t do anything stupid as they say. I guess we’re all suffering in our own different ways. I find when I don’t think too much about ending my life, I tend to enjoy it more even though I don’t have much right now.
Despite my complaints in my posts above, my friends and family are pretty supportive and I do enjoy their company. My job sometimes can also be fun and much easier work than what most people do, even though the pay isn’t great…easy office job.
I know at the higher paying ones usually you have to bust your ass a lot more, not looking forward to that but I noticed the only thing that really changes one’s life is money. More money equals better clothes, food, housing, dates and so on. So I’m in the process of making my second leap. My first one was just getting out of the hole of unemployment I was in.
Kind of a pathetic thing to say but really if I had a hot girlfriend to think about who was just as much into me, I think life would be pretty good-I’d still have to solve my money problems but it’d make it all worthwhile.
Build a Redfury box.
Or, build several, and join as many pools as you can.
Or! Build several mining rigs and rent out the power by selling mining contracts (i just recently learned this occurs, during a particularly fervent ebay stint).
I still remember when BTC was trading ~$80. If only i had jumped in then, lol.
Earlier today a thought occurred to me:
What would happen if every american had $10 million in the bank, collecting interest? What would that do to the interest rates? What would that do to the value of the dollar? If we all had enough, would it be worth anything?
Wouldn’t the banksters just tank the dollar and make it worthless, thereby resulting in $10m not being enough for anyone?
Hey Clevername,
Ya I considered all those options also. However the problem is ‘difficulty’ I think it’s skyrocketing. By the time your rig is shipped to you it becomes worthless because far too many people are into bitcoin mining now.
I’m assuming bitcoin contracts are similar to hosting-similar issue with that. Also we’re going from giga-hashing to tera-hashing, which makes the equipment much more expensive.
Basically one has to gamble that their rig will arrive while difficulty is low enough for it to be profitable and make back what they invested into making them. I’m afraid only the guys with deep pockets can pull it off.
Likewise, I recall a couple of months ago bitcoins were around $200, I thought about buying but was worried the price might fall, now we’re at $1200. Really missed out there.
Indeed, I think Capitalism only works when most people work for a living and a small percent have all the power and money. If everyone was a millionaire, then who would flip burgers for a living, or work at Walmart or do all those essential things that is required to run a nation.
A million bucks would become worthless and a new standard would be arrived at. If we’re all ‘rich’ and no one will work then society would crash.
LOL the dollar is always worth less. when bitcoin goes to 1000 per it’s not bitcoin being worth more it’s dollars being worth less. That’s what nobody seems to get through their heads. Dollars are the biggest scam going. They screw you 5 times and that’s before it even gets to your pocket. Of course 10m is never enough etc. The bankster crash econ get unlimted bailout then we get to go into huge debt and pay them for screwing us. We always owe interest… The best part about the taxpayer credit card is it’s never due in full, the credit line keeps getting upped and the bill always goes up. Don’t wanna pay ? great we will just add your jail time to the bill…. thank-you come again…cha ching $$$$ I would be millionaire if I had setup mining computer first week like i planned back in 2009. Was going to hold 5 years. then got distracted and forgot about it till 2011… fml.. I’ve made decent money on it and got in semi early but never millions. cashed my litecoin to stay out of jail. lost millions there too.
I never went in on asics. figured everyone else was doing it so I built 20 litecoin rigs instead. I sold what would have been 1.4 million dollars worth at current prices not too long ago to pay off government fucks. that’s my lot in life though. I sell stock 3 days before it goes up 30,000%
Yep.
So, money only has value because there isn’t enough for everyone.
IMO, that is an inexcusable flaw in the system, which, IMO, immediately invalidates that system.
If no one HAD TO work, “flipping burgers” or otherwise supporting things that should not be perpetuated… then people would only do things by choice, and they might realize that, and then become interested in learning how to choose correctly, which would lead to people choosing to make things for themselves, instead of buying whatever mass-produced cut-corner imported crap is cheap enough and of decent enough build-quality to justify purchasing.
The funny part is that there actually are “enough” dollars that everyone should be able to live decently, in health, and have some nice things… but because of the way the system has been set up, it doesn’t work out that way.
Most of us have no other choice but to work ourselves to death, to buy millionaire spoiled-brats’ toys, and further contribute to their means of continuing to preserve their established controls and privileges. It really sucks. The consequences for refusing to endorse our own enslavement, are harsh enough that most of us won’t choose it… at least not readily. But hey, that’s part of why this site exists.
*…and by “isn’t enough for everyone,” what i mean is not “the dollar unit,” but the amount of purchasing power per unit.
If you have the most of something worthless, it’s still worthless.
Maybe people will soon realize they need to dismantle the current system and build a new one, if they want their grand-kids to have any semblance of a “life.” Or maybe most people “get it,” but have given up, since there’s not much they can do about it without a potentially holocaust-like civil war.
I like both of your posts and rebel-minded things, seeing through the BS that our system is. It is refreshing to see young people with real smarts. I’d add more but have to head off to my slave-job soon, will follow up later.