So, as another new year is upon us, only mere hours away. I found myself once again alone,more so alone than ever before. At least before there were people around to pretend to be close to. To fake the whole human thing with, But today i find myself drinking alone. Washing away all the pains, fears and regrets of the glorious year before.
As it so happens the world didnt end in 2012 (a fact i hope you are all aware of by now, if not…) and sometimes i question wether it would have been better or not. In the end i conclude that it is better this way, At-least i can try to live out my dreams and better myself to one day help better others.
My life has been a constant uphill battle, and now that i have made it to the top i look back and realize that the victory was a product of loneliness. There were so many others still struggling to climb.
I took the leap and now i am trying to help others to the top, and it kills me. Not may want to make it. I feel like they only climb to leap. They continue on in hopes that something some where will hurl them from the face of the cliff, to spiral down and finally diminish. i fear i cannot continue helping others, but im still out there trying. and as i said before it is hard. To not only be what they need/ are looking for and still remain myself. My abrasive defensive nature scares them off or disgusts them, but i dont know any other way to be. i have my own struggles too, as i said i only just made it to the top, the road may be flat but it still slopes a little. At first glance its not noticeable, but it is there.
The pot holes hurt my feet the most, the small unnoticeable holes in my road that you cant see until you have sunk in. i fear they hurt worse than legos.
i have found one singular reason to continue, as cliche as it is, there is a girl. and i know she wont climb without the others, in the end if i manage to help anyone: the credit is all hers.
but yeah, i feel good about making it another year without going postal (prisons suck i assume) But it only means there is another year to fight through ~ ShatteredGlass
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2 comments
#np Taylor Swift-Everything has change <3
Trying to help others while suffering yourself is difficult and I have personal experience with this. Your abrasive defensive nature can soften in time. Mine did. At first it sucked allowing myself to be publically and openly vulnerable because I felt like a turtle without a shell getting poked and prodded constantly. But from those wounds, you will develop a different sense of self where the shell you needed disappears as you find you can be like water and let the negativity of others pass through you as you continue to help others. Though it is a difficult teaching for men to understand: showing vulnerability is showing strength. Unconditional love and acceptance of others is the only foundation for truly helping others.