I don’t know what i’m doing with my life. Does anybody know? Like, Jobs said that life would have worked out looking backwards: it would have been a “connecting the dots” of all the little decisions made, and at the end everything would have become clear.
I think i will draw anything but a scrawl, when it will come my time. Everyone has his share of defeat but defeat itself has a meaning, that is the fight; what are we doing instead, me and my generation, drunk saturday, studying monday, working tuesday, wednesday married – how is it that these serial mass-produced lives could signify anything more than the brevity and anonymity of their course?
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I don’t know…I think I would rather prefer something resembling an abstract by picasso than what I have… One straight line that stops abruptly and then scrawls aimlesly back and forth between what was and what is. I’m constantly trying to find my way as someone has destroyed the bridge ahead and I can’t go back to where I was yet can’t move forward.
For some reason, I am stuck at the canyon instead of trying to find another way around.
I don’t know what i’m doing with my life either, and i wonder how many people know and are happy about it… in that sense connecting the dots is only useful at the end, because if the final dot is a destination that makes you happy, the difficulty of the road might stop being significant… it doesn’t make easier than other people’s drawing collapses with yours all the time and mess it up, lol.
@PhantomShadow: Do you know what that reason is? i have my own to be “stuck at the canyon” as you call it, but curious about yours, if you don’t mind sharing of course
No, I don’t know, and it’s surely one of the biggest stressors for me. I understand the canyon metaphor. That’s where I think I’m at.
Or I’m just an electron stuck in orbit around a lonely molecule. Can’t jump to a greater state.
keief: I was a software developer for 13+ years… It was my passion and the one and only thing I was truely good at…apart from the Bipolar that was slowly eating away at that career, I was diagnosed with a connective tissue disorder, one that was also gradually making it self known. I am stuck with a talent that I burn to use yet can not…I feel lost and failed. Years of nurturing and cultivating a career, lost to the wind…
@PhantomShadow: lol… i studied programming and ended up hating several things of it… i was not bad at it but i was planning more on using it as a mean to do what i really wanted (support myself and the person i was with, and studying more singing/music which is what i really loved doing).
Funnily enough what i really wanted failed (breakup + unknown-by-doctors voice disease). At times i wonder if it is just life throwing devastation at one in order to have something to “overcome”… i don’t know, but it just looks like a pattern to me. Either that or SP just atracts tech-oriented guys haha.
Just wondering tho, you can’t use that talent due to the symptoms of bipolar and the tissue disorder? maybe you could at least do some independent development that might be easier to cope with?… seems like a usual way of making software nowadays and at least it’d keep that talent at use
“unknown-by-doctors”
Heh, I’m a poster child for that statement… My GP finds me fascinating.
“Either that or SP just atracts tech-oriented guys haha”
Most probably because it is one of the most stressfull careers out there…
“you could at least do some independent development”
I would love to do that… It’s stupid, I know, but the problem is, my mind keeps tripping me up. I get dispondent over the fact that someone might not use it, over the fact that if someone else has allready done it why do it again…and largely because bipolar causes me to loose interest before the task is done and going back to it later just gets all messed up…
@PhantomShadow: i just loled at your GP comment, i remember the first time i saw a doctor about my vocal chords (just worried about some recurring flu at that time) he said something similar, since i had an unusual raspy/high voice and also a born condition which happens in 1 out of 250.000 people or something like that which messes your voice under stress… yet i had gone for years singing without any injury, lol. And then out of nowhere i got one, so go figure.
And you know, i tried to do some independent development (when i was looking for job and couldn’t one, that’s something i’ll have to do again sometime) and the same thing stopped me… “it might exist” “it is just too stupid to work” “too complicated to work” and so on… you should try to do it as a hobby if you love it tho, even if it’s just for you.
It makes me feel good that it’s not only me.